blackandblue

My story is similar. My exBF of just days now is a "recovering" heroin addict. We are both 30. We have been on a rollercoaster since the relationship started. He was not using to my knowledge when I met him however I was aware of his past drug use. And so it goes...

We fell madly in love and 3 months later everything went downhill fast. First it was lying...then cheating...then more lying...then relapse...then more pain that I thought one human could ever endure. Of course there were great times. That is why I have held on. This was all over the course of one year in which he broke up with me at least 10 times. So I moved on with my life against a lot of resistance and we still talked. He convinced me almost a year later to give him another chance. He was not injecting heroin and had not been for several months. But that was not enough. He was still drinking and smoking marijuana daily. I fooled myself to think he was clean because I myself was addicted to him. I believed that love might just conquer all. He then took me on yet another rollercoaster ride and then broke up with me again.

Bottom line...When it was good it was amazing and when it was bad I was left feeling empty, alone. confused, and hurt. Basically in Hell. That is addiction. The love died with the first harmful lie and I could have seen it coming from a mile away. All of the red flags were there for me from the start. It is a pattern that I had to keep repeating until I finally could learn from my mistakes. I did not need to learn from his mistakes and think that loving him without reciprocation was acceptable. I needed to realize that I have a pattern of being a codependent in romantic relationships as an ACOA. So I have dated many forms of addicts only to come to one of the most difficult- heroin. All of this was to experience my own healing which I have finally and painfully come to realize. I know now that I need to do this outside of a romantic relationship before I can consider entering into a new relationship. I am sobering up so to speak and getting him out of my system. And when the old hurt comes up it feels like detox. Lies, pain, fear, manipulation, abuse, blaming and the list goes on. I had to hit my own bottom and admit my own problem and realize that I am worthy of love and I do not have the power to save him. So I choose saving myself. I still love him and yearn for him everyday. I do not know if that will go away. But I care enough about myself to make a change.

Whether you are the one to jump off the rollercoaster or the one to be thrown off the rollercoaster, the landing hurts. Others may help to soften the landing with support and love. But what if the rollercoaster actually did not exist but it is just a story we make up. Maybe the rollercoaster is a delusion and if we can stop buying in to the story then we can overcome our own addiction.

One day at a time. Through tears of pain and joy. I will fight to save my own life. Immerse yourself with people who love you and with the things that bring you the most joy. And when it hurts, pray and breathe. Hold tight...let go light...