So sorry for the gaslighting you are experiencing.
So sorry you live in fear.
One day you will find your strength.
It might be a good idea to keep a diary. Some help remembering the way you have lived and continue to live.
Wishing change for you. We all know the paralysis which precedes the action.
Don't be hard on yourself. You are a victim of emotional abuse and it's a difficult prison to break out of. People who have not been tyrannized will not understand how small you feel right now and how weak you are. But that is the natural outcome of being abused.