Correct me if my summary is wrong: you grew up in a world where being put down was the norm, and on top of that, everything you experience demonstrated the the universe was absolutely not to be trusted.
Gee, I can't understand at all why you want to beat people to the punch by putting them down before they have the chance to put you down. Nor can I understand why you would hate social engagements or having to interact with people.
I feel selfish because I don’t really care that my moms an alcoholic
Why would that be selfish? The woman did nothing to ever earn anything but disdain from you. It seems a perfectly healthy response to not care about someone whom ... you don't care about.
I used to put others down perpetually also. I had a difficult time interacting with others. I became a self-imposed social hermit. For three years, I spent very little, if any, time socializing with anyone outside of what was required to hold a job. I found that that period of my life was an awakening for me.
There is no rule that says one MUST be social. There are plenty of people (myself included) who, by and large, are quite happy being alone. By spending all that time alone, I got to know myself, I got to experience a world in which I controlled the outcome of my life. I'd never had that before. I discovered that I am in control of my destiny and swore that I'd never let someone else control my future again (to the point that I swore I'd never marry - then my husband came along, and he is also very independent and has no issues with me wanting to be alone).
When the universe has never shown you any kindness, it's difficult to believe that it will take care of you. Trust in all humanity is lost. For me, to trust someone, I must know them for a number of years, sometimes decades. There are very few people in this world I trust implicitly, and fewer still whose abilities I have faith in. I still don't trust the universe to take care of itself, let alone take care of me. I probably never will, and I have come to accept that as part of who I am. And I'm just fine with being that way. It grants me both bonuses that others don't have (an extreme ability to be self-reliant) and drawbacks (I miss out on some social aspects of life that might be rewarding if I were open to them). As with all things in life, my approach has both positives and negatives.
What are the positives to your way of life?
There is a branch of therapy called dialectical behavioral therapy which focuses on exactly that premise: all things in life are a double edged sword. The very things I find annoying in my husband under some circumstances are the very things that I love about him in others.
What is the other side of the sword to how you live and function? Well, I would say that from this side of the computer, you protect yourself from harm by others - if you push others away first, they can't push you away. That seems reasonable given the background you come from.
The next question is: Is that how you want to live? If not, then what do you think would change it? Change isn't an overnight process. I've been in therapy for 15+ years now, at least 10 of them contiguous. I may be in therapy the rest of my life. While I could recognize why I was doing what I was doing, I didn't like it in myself and I wanted to change it, but I didn't know how. Therapy has helped me become the person I wanted to be - the person I knew was already inside me, but I didn't know how to let her come to the fore.
I'm not saying therapy is your answer. Everyone's answer is different. But I present you with some things to ponder.