Welcome. And yes we do understand. I'm so sorry you had to grow up with this. Don't beat yourself up over this, you had a hard life it wasn't your fault. But now it's time to learn to move on. You have a whole wonderful life ahead of you if you can get a handle on this now. Try reading some of the "stickies" above, when I first found them they were very helpful.
One thing to learn is when the disease is talking, not your Mom, when she says really outrageous things. And the next is to not make it your fault for anything that happened between you folks, like being manipulated to stay. The saying around here is, the three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.