Thread: Conflicted
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Old 01-26-2012, 08:57 PM
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deluna
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pa
Posts: 5
Conflicted

My ABF is returning from rehab tomorrow.

Intro to our situation:

I've suspected drug use since he came home from college this year. Apparently he failed out (it would've been his last year) and he was pretty emotionally wacked out, having panic attacks, etc. I asked him if he'd been doing drugs and he said no, so I left it alone for a long time until there were times it was just almost undeniable, but I couldn't find proof and he never admitted to it. I even went as far as buying a drug test, but somehow I let him talk me out of it. What a mistake that was...

Fast forward to four weeks ago. His parents kicked him out (they've always had a rocky relationship) so he came to stay with me. All is fine... and then my Christmas money from my grandparents magically disappears. I also find out he used my mom's car to go to "the diner" with his "friends". That was his story. My mom said he went to visit a friend a mile or two away. I KNEW THIS PERSON WAS A DEALER.

That about sealed the deal for me. I went and talked to his parents only to find out he's been in IOP for a month or so and attending NA meetings, and they realized this probably meant he had relapsed. Why they didn't think to tell me anything about this... I have no clue. Supposedly he told them I knew everything but wasn't ready to talk about it. Bullcrap of course.

So here I am. Completely and utterly feeling like I got hit by a freaking atom bomb. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO CLUELESS? They tell me he's been stealing, has charges from the police, stole their jewelry, etc. It was this night we had an "intervention" for him and he agreed to go to rehab.

Let me tell you. I've been with this boy for 5 years as of June this year. And apparently this has been going on hardcore for the past year and a half, maybe longer they say, citing that he told them he first tried it his freshman year.

Anyways. I've been struggling with what I'm supposed to do.

I love this man more than anything, THOUGHT that we'd been through thick and thin, but I feel like I don't even know who he was/is. I pretty much cut contact with him when he went to rehab. I needed space to figure out what I wanted. We've only spoken twice on the phone and I went with his parents for family day so I could hopefully learn more. I attended a therapy session with him and his family and sat through lots of meetings etc.

He seems like he's doing well. But, part of me just wants to end this relationship, but I feel like I'm not ready to, because I really love him. ALL MY EMOTIONS ARE SO CONFLICTED, and have remained that way for the past month despite going to al-anon meetings, despite reading the codependency stuff, despite most of my friends and family telling me to leave.

I'm just at my wits end.

I don't know what to feel.

I'm super conflicted, and wondering when this indecision will end...

Some feedback would be much appreciated.. thanks for reading my story.

Thoughts on how to approach his coming back from rehab would be much appreciated as well.
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