Originally Posted by
FindingJoy 
It just doesn't make sense how someone can profess their love, saying everything about how their actions have hurt others, he has a sponsor, blah blah BUT his actions don't match. There is no patience compassion true empathy for those he has hurt deeply. He wants life to be an etch and sketch where in a instant all of the wrongs are wiped away and forgiven. If they aren't he forces his will though manipulatioin, anger, acting like I'm crazy, etc.
Tell me about it. Ten days before my ex left me, she wanted to talk about marriage. And then I get a series of text messages, dumping me, telling me how she had no grace or dignity with me, telling me she slept with two other men while she lived with me for a time, etc. It was sadistic.
What I've had to do is remind myself daily that she's sick. In my case, she's dual diagnosis: addiction and BPD. Healthy people don't do what she did. And healthy people don't do what your ex did, either.
When you go to a Al Anon or a Nar Anon meeting, you have to somehow decouple your "stuff" from your qualifier's "stuff". In other words, whatever you have to take ownership of, you do so and leave the rest to your ex. And if he doesn't take ownership of it, that's not your problem.
That's his problem.
None of this is easy, of course. I'm suffering tremendously at this moment. But at least I know, unequivocally, I made my best good faith effort to be a loving support. And I'm thankful every day for the people in my life that have supported me through this. So, when you're suffering, take a minute and think about the things you do have and be grateful for them. Practice doing that every day. It does make a difference.
Zoso