No, your posts don't offend me Bill, as I know that they are entirely of a good, caring nature.
My husband doesn't tolerate any negative talk to or about me from his family. He has listened to some of the observations I've made about his mother's behavior, and openly considered the validity of what I was saying.
Once, when I pointed out how she does little things and makes little comments, he made a small comment of his own to her, basically saying "why isn't my wife included in this?" as she was going on about a story book she had bought for my son that only had a dad and son in it.
Hard scenario to explain, but he does his best to ensure that I'm not being treated in a noticeably hostile fashion.
However, he's also not particularly keen on hearing anyone speak poorly of his mother, so...here I am.
She is never particularly overtly rude, so it's extremely difficult to point out anything other than the passive-aggressive little "vibes" I pick up from her.
We rarely ask her to babysit, honestly. Occasionally, on the weekends, if we want to go shopping together, we will ask her to sit with him for a few hours. This only takes place about twice a month.
The reason it only happens rarely is for the same reasons you have described. I do see her as a bit of a controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive type bully (not outright, just in a subtle fashion).
I see my brother in-law and his wife dropping their four year-old daughter off at grandma's EVERY weekend (so that they can go out and get plastered, in spite of the fact that they're well into their thirties), and the subtle message that my MIL sends out that she is somehow more preferred or more important in my niece's life than her parents are.
When my niece was born, my BIL and his wife actually asked my MIL to come and *live* with them so that his wife could go back to work, and grandma could be a live-in nanny.
That didn't work so well. His wife actually ended up getting so fed up with my MIL that she told her she had to move out. That created a lot of vitriol for my BIL's wife with the rest of the family, but I can understand how it happened. I learned what I needed to from their experience, thankfully.
(Now his wife chalks it up to having postpartum depression--which I'm not questioning, as that's her personal journey that I'm not privy to--and proceeds to basically kiss the ground my MIL walks on, which is of course the only way to gain acceptance from her.)
I will NOT have that sort of dynamic taking place in my home, so I will often just run to the grocery store after my husband gets home from work, or vice versa.
(My son is kind of a handful to take out and about so far, and it's cold outside, so I prefer not to take him on mundane trips like to the store, etc.)
My husband doesn't really need to stick up for me, as I think that his family knows already that he isn't going to tolerate any negative talk about me, or to me. It's just that her behavior is so subtle that it's very difficult to say "hey, don't speak to me/me wife that way".
I also told everyone under no uncertain terms that *no one* would be allowed in the hospital room with me and my son when I gave birth. My mother seemed pretty fumed about that, and decided to drive over anyway after the second day I was there, but she seemed to quickly grasp the idea (for once) that she wasn't wanted or needed, and that she was adding more stress to the situation, so she left fairly quickly.
I was pretty peeved that the hospital staff just let her on into my room without asking my permission, as I would have said that I didn't want visitors.
As for the neighbor, I do what I can to help people who are struggling and having a hard time. But I do it with boundaries and within reason.
I find it reasonable to help someone with severe PTSD who is afraid to go to the store by herself or take the bus (she doesn't have a car) when I'm at the grocery store and she needs an item or two.
Beyond that sort of basic stuff, I'm not willing to have her any closer than at arm's length, so to speak, as I feel like I have my own issues to work on, and I'm not trying to "save" anybody.
So she isn't welcome to invite herself over, I do not invite her over, and I actually go out of my way to avoid being around her.
But, if she needs assistance finding help with sliding fee counseling, food banks, or whatever, I'll send her the links to the sites I know of.
*Sigh* Now it's my husband who is acting out on his lovely behaviors this weekend, so I will probably be posting more about that later.
