DesertEyes

Hello there Plath

ooooh I love that line. Never heard it before. Will remember that one for sure

No worries. We all arrived here because we were at a total loss. And your rants are actually quite short. Some of us .... ( ahem, not pointing fingers cuz I'm one of the guilty ) ... can rant for a _lot_ longer than you

I am always amazed at how all our "toxic families" act in such similar ways. It's like they all have the exact same model of defective computer installed in exactly the same place in their brain. In my "family of origin" those little games were played by my aunts, my biological mother, one of my uncles.... etc.

What helped me was to realize that I did _not_ feel rejected and inadequate around those "toxic" people. I felt rejected and inadequate all on my own, they just interfered with my usual coping mechanisms that hid my insecurities from myself. I had to work on the reasons _why_ I had that low self-esteem and get _that_ fixed little by little. As I did that I began to feel less overwhelmed by toxic people, not just in my family but out there in the real world.

Took me awhile, I'm a slow learner, but that "baggage" is all gone now. I had a nasty boss for a few months that was _exactly_ like you describe, and exactly like my own biological relatives. A major pain, especially cuz I needed the money, and the insurance, in a bad way. Still, as obnoxious as the boss was, as offensive and demeaning and .... well, you know what I mean. I did really well. I was able to completely understand that she was just a toxic person and had nothing to do with _me_.

I _am_ a decent person. I'm not perfect, I'm still working on clearing up some of my "baggage", but other than that I am good, kind, giving, hard working, and basically pretty normal.

Not something I believed when I started recovery. Something I _learned_ about myself by working the steps, couple good therapists, and some patience and kindness towards _me_ as I slowly unraveled all the garbage my toxic family put in my head.

This is something that worked very well for me, try it out and see if it does you any good.

My sponsor once told me that a character defect is just a "trait" that I use to an unhealthy extreme. I am a very kind person, and when I use that to enable an alcoholic it is called "co-dependency". However, when I first started recovery I was completely unable to be kind and understanding to _me_. My first therapist taught me a technique called the "lost child". I've heard it called by other names. The point is that since I can't be kind to me I just use that kindness towards something very close to me, but not directly me. Check out this thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...step-work.html

Mike