I know that I'm probably going to have to try very hard not to go off on a rant right now, as I've been feeling a lot of irritation lately (more so than usual).
My mother in-law.
She is an ACA; her mother and mine were so similar with their behaviors that they could have been related. So, as a result, we seem to have the same defense mechanisms and triggers, and some of the same dysfunctional behaviors.
She has been through a lot of therapy and now takes anti-depressants, so she's mostly tolerable on a surface level.
I went to other 12 step meetings for years, so some of my baggage has been checked, so to speak, but we both still seem to react to each other on a subtle basis.
There are the subtle signs of disapproval, small comments that essentially say "I am better than you, you're not good enough for my son, your son looks SO much like his father, I don't like your perfume, I can't imagine you wearing that because it's something that I actually find tasteful", etc., ad nauseum.
And, of course, being the ACA that I am, and not perfect, I return the behavior in kind.
It's a fairly subtle dynamic, but one that I am fairly sure I am not imagining. Especially because we have so much in common, both in our childhood experiences, and our apparent coping mechanisms.
My mother in-law (and brother in-law, who is basically a functioning alcoholic at this point, as well as his wife) is really big on talking about how "we're family"...until I actually began to embrace that idea, and tried to be friends with her.
She will rarely come over when invited, but will often want to come over on the spur of the moment, which is somewhat of a trigger for me. I feel like I need to be dressed, with makeup on, etc., before people show up at my house, as my mom was always criticizing me for not doing my hair or makeup enough, etc.
When she does come over, I get the distinct feeling that she really just wants to see my husband (they're pretty close) and my son, as she will sometimes just outright ignore me if I start to speak, or speak primarily to my husband, or make small, subtle comments about things I like in a way that causes me to believe that she doesn't like it.
This is after one or two times of us just chit-chatting naturally and enjoyably, which I took as a good sign...but, maybe I was mistaken...
I can't see my behavior all that objectively at the moment, but what I do know about her is that the only people she allows into her life on a personal level are people who are very isolated, extremely codependent, and depend on her for *everything*.
I am not one of those people, and I feel that, although I have made it clear that her company is welcome and that we do need her as a grandma, babysitter, and just to come over and have coffee or dinner, I don't meet her crazy codependent criteria, so I get the rejection stamp.
Her favorite person right now is another neighbor (we all live in the same building, as she is the manager and got us in quickly when we moved back to the city) who suffers from all sorts of mental and emotional disorders, is afraid to leave her apartment, and depends on my mother in-law for daily company, to take her to the store, etc.
This person also provokes my triggers, as she has absolutely no concept of personal boundaries, and when my mother in-law babysits our son, the neighbor (who claims that she was once a nanny) is often there to help her.
I won't go into too much detail about the neighbor, but understanding boundaries when acting as a neighbor/babysitter, and allowing parents to interact with their child without trying to interfere is kind of a given, as far as I'm concerned. This person does not mean any harm, she simply doesn't know any better, as far as I can tell. But my mother in-law insists that she needs her help to watch our son, despite even my cheerful, accepting husband asking her to not have her around if she can help it.
Anyway, the whole scenario is annoying, and I have no idea how to see my own behavior with her, and she's not going away (she is a great grandma, and loves my son, so I don't really want her to go away...I just want to stop feeling crazy, rejected, defensive, and unworthy around her).
I know this has been a long rant, but I'm at a total loss with this situation.
I suppose the best solution would be to simply *stop* reacting to her when she pushes at my triggers, but I honestly just don't know how to do that right now. I spend days on end festering on how I feel slighted by her, how passive-aggressive and belligerent her behavior is (in my eyes), etc.
If anyone can help me with tools, thoughts, insight into my own behavior, or anything at all to help me to deal with this, I would greatly appreciate it.
