What do I do now?
BG: I was married for 15 years. Xh had a drug addiction problem when he was an adolescent, and used tobacco when we met/married. He quit using tobacco one year, and was being quite successful. Then, he got into a horrible auto accident that required one emergency (trauma) surgery and several follow-up surgeries for multiple injuries. During that time, he got addicted to his painkillers. He lost two jobs and used all of our rather ample savings starting a business that ultimately failed. During all of this, we had a baby, and I left my job (thinking our business was doing well enough) to stay home with her.
Early last year, we had the house on the market. It was too much for us to afford with the job he had at the time. It was my idea to sell it, but I did want to stay in the town we were living in, but in a smaller home. He kept insisting we move wayyyy out in the country where housing was cheaper. (Yes, it was slightly cheaper, but the slightly cheaper housing and lower taxes woudl not off-set the gas money spent for him to drive into town.)
Not long after we made an offer on a house, he lost his second job. He insisted on returning to school. He has an ivy league education that I worked many years to help him pay off. He insisted that I send him back to school to study something different, and that all of the proceeds from the sale of our house woudl need to go to funding that AND I woudl need to work and take care of us. I'm a teacher by trade. Normally, getting a job isn't difficult. However, I knew it might not happen in this current climate of funding cuts. Also, he was wanting to be supported fully, and at the lifestyle he wanted.
(We had enough to fully pay for a mobile home to keep overhead low, but he was refusing.)
As for his drug addiction, he kept asking me to help him get clean. He would ask me to dole only so many per day to him. However, he would find the stash and milk a few extra. Eventually, I started hiding them in the attic. It was a PITA getting them for him, and he was constantly trying to find them. I believe he was also getting Rx on the side for more.
One day, he came to me and said that the DEA was investigating him, according to a pharmacist where he purchased some of his drugs. He came to me for help.
I did a bit of research, and found that the only thing that would help him was inpatient.
At this time, neither of us had a job, our house was about to sell (Thank, G-d), and we had no more money in savings.
His plan was that we purchase a mobile home, but get a loan for some of it.
I demanded he go to inpatient, or I would divorce him. He gave me every reason in the book why he couldn't. We didn't have money. When I mentioned the free clinics, they weren't good enough. When I mentioned a Christian organization that we used to attend funraisers for, he didn't want to do that b/c it was a 13 month in-patient deal.
I left.
At that point, I was happy to be getting rid of him, but felt guilty for walking out on our marriage, especially since we had a baby. I realized later that he basically high-jacked my marriage vows with the notion that I had to put up with anything he pulled since I made a lifetime promise. Well, I decided to break it.
After a short time away from him, I started to see the YEARS of lies (the lies and manipulation were going on long before the drug use), and I'm still uncovering much of it.
But I am glad to be away from him now, and my only regret is not leaving him sooner.
I also realize that our constant moves, including the last one, was to get me away from friends that I had made in the community that threatened his control.
FF to today. Two different lawyers told me prior to the divorce that most judges would grant him unsupervised visitation since his drug use was not well documented, and that he had not done anything to actually put the baby at risk.
By the time the divorce rolled around, he had blown his half of the money from selling the house (I was wise enough to follow my mother and my lawyer's advice to get separate checks and to have the title co document this). He did not hire a lawyer, telling me he had no more money. He wanted me to let go of mine and just agree outside of court, but I retained mine. He agreed to supervised visitations, as long as he could see her when he wanted and with sufficient notice. He also agreed to a child support amount so low that it doesnt cover child care.
I've secured a temporary teaching job, but am still having to live with relatives. He does not see her often. He does pay me, but seldom on time.
I told him before the divorce that he would need to pass a series of drug tests before I would let him see her unsupervised. He finally came to the house a few weeks ago with a home drug test, and was insistent on taking it now. I was incredibly suspicious. I suspected anything from him having a separate urine sample or simply getting of the drugs long enough to pass the drug screen as he had done once before to get a job.
I felt I was being deceived, but couldn't put my finger on it.
Here is where I need help: how can I pinpoint where he's telling lies? And how do I let him drug test w/o him manipulating it?
I can't simply tell him to go away... if he takes me to court, I'm afraid of what might happen. I need to work with him on this, but i also cannot be manipulated into turning my child over to him when he's still using.
I've looked for books and tried message boards for advice, but it's never what I need. They (books or people) tell me to not go back to him, or to fight him in court. A) I'm not going back to him. That is settled well in my mind. B) Two lawyers (one being a family friend and a local judge) have told me what I could expect in a courtroom.
I'm needing to know how to best tell when a pill popper is manipulating, and how to overcome this.
For years he lied to me and I believed him. Even now, I find myself just believing his lies until I have time to chew on them later. It's a habit.
What do I do? I am in the healing process, and I know that I will be well in time. But I need to protect my child. I need to know enough about the mind of a pill popper that I do not get decieved and put my child in harm's way. And I can't find a book out there that will tell me this.