Here is my "normal" state of mind, on a daily basis, that I have learned to see, dismiss, and accept as "just the way I am":
Angry, irritable, compulsively complaining about others (whether they're people in my life, outside of my life, politicians, or whoever happens to pop into my head).
Complaining about situations (*any* situation...if it's a positive situation, I feel compelled to point out any potential flaws; it's been pointed out to me that I am a very negative person, and I've always just shrugged it off or become defensive).
Constantly feeling like someone, somewhere (just throw out a name) is disapproving of me, and I am outraged by this.
And, of course, controlling everything and disapproving of everything and everyone, down the minute detail.
Nice, eh?
So, when I'm having an extra hard time (which I am right now...it's almost just too much for me right now to get a handle on my learned behaviors), it's confusing to me.
Am I being triggered by all of the realizations I've been coming to, and experiencing a sort of backlash effect?
Aaaannnnd....at the risk of offering up TMI, "once a month" my brain gets *extra* special neurotic, thanks to the mysterious effects of female hormones. Yes, very special indeed.
I'm catching glimpses of how my brain basically just sits in a swill of negativity, and how my behavior has become enslaved to my need to feel not only approved of, but actually "better than", due to the relentless undermining of my self-esteem that I received in my childhood.
I want to do more journaling. I have written down a few pages of the most noticeable behaviors and triggers that affect my life on a daily basis, but I'm not entirely sure where to go from there.
Right now, I feel as though I'm wearing a hair shirt (itchy, uncomfortable, irritated), and my husband has been the primary innocent bystander for these feelings, although he does seem to understand that I'm going through some "stuff", so I don't think he's taking it too hard. I think that he's just very happy that I'm seeking help and trying to change...
I've mentioned before that I've been given (and am grateful for) a lot to digest when it comes to fully realizing my patterns, and I still feel pretty overwhelmed and confused.
Basically, *everything* and *everybody* is a potential trigger for me, all day every day, and it's hard to take all that in.
I have some other things on my mind right now, so I will probably add another thread related to some of the specific issues I have when it comes to coping with other people's behaviors that trigger me, but they seem to be the types of behaviors that would probably be genuinely exasperating even for people who are not ACAs (but then, I wouldn't really know that for sure).
I feel like I needed to just get all this off my chest, and if anyone has anything that they want to share or add, or helpful tools and advice to offer, please do!
