RABF: Is this really about control?
I'm new here, and would greatly appreciate some advice! My situation: I've been in a relationship with a man 3 yrs. When we started dating he told me he didn't drink alcohol- not because he'd had any 'problem', but by choice. He told me that he didn't mind when I had a glass of wine. (I am a one glass of wine / maybe 1 or 2X per month drinker.) Last year, he asked that I refrain from drinking if I were with him because he said he didn't like the smell of it on my breath. Later, upon more questioning on the subject, he told me, simply, that he is an addict.
I know that he had been a regular user of marijuana but had managed, after considerable struggle, to give it up. He said he found himself in danger of substituting alcohol and becoming dependent on it as well, so he completely abstained from ALL substance. Though I was confused because I have never known him to drink any alcohol, and he had not asked this of me until 3 yrs into the relationship, I honored his request, and don't have anything to drink when we are together. But I have some serious confusion over the matter. And yes, I have feelings of resentment. I sometime question his motives - is this just another control issue for him? He's definitely got control issues!
This is not the first time he has asked me to 'give up' something. He also didn't like any perfume I wore (I don't wear much!!) and insisted I wear only perfume he bought for me. He has told me he doesn't like what I'm wearing, and he has asked that I don't take any dancing lessons unless he is with me, which has made it all but impossible to pursue. (We met taking salsa lessons, but have hardly danced since- and I was loving it so much) Little things, like washing dishes, he has asked that I don't do at his place because he has his 'special way' of doing them. At times I'm walking on eggs around him because he can be so anal about stuff!!! And here's why I sometimes doubt his sincerity- He actually has wine and beer in his fridge, though he doesn't ever drink it-I think he just had it left over from before he decided to give up drinking altogether.
Last night, he talked of his ex, who was also RA. He made it sound as if this relationship was a better fit for him. I am feeling resentful but trying to understand what's really going on. Help!