Wow, so much experience and great advice and empathy...this is a wonderful board.
I am, by nature, a strong person--I never give up, had a great career, hard-driving and stubborn. I am a survivor. But it was my Higher Power who turns that natural strength into a strength that has kept me sober, in an AA program, for the past two years. I have learned that there is a better kind of strength. You find it by letting go.
I was not drinking when I raised my son, but not in a program, either. So I was not the best parent to him. I "fixed" his problems for him, too, from a young age, because of my guilt over my failed relationships causing chaos in his life. He never learned that bad behavior led to bad conseuences, because I always fixed those consequences.
When he went into rehab a month ago, I was devastated, but determined to do everything I could to help him. Doing everything I could involved changing ME, so I could be the mother he needs me to be now.
I must accept who I am, accept that I made mistakes in his parenting. I am accountable for those mistakes. But only HE can make the decision to be accountable for his choices going forward.
I am learning to love and accept myself--with all my flaws--so I can love and accept him for who he is. I am also learning that I am not responsible for his choices, and that it's okay for my husband and me to have a loving, peaceful home, even if my son doesn't want it for himself.
We love him, are going to support him in his revoery, but we are stepping out of the hurricane of his addiction.
Will he make it? I don't know. I am working on acceptance that his disease could take him to some very bad places, even death. I have made a bare beginning.
But I will do anything within my power to help him. The most loving thing I can do, I now believe, is to let him accept the consequences of his actions. I will let him fall, as one of the posts on this board, written by an addict, says so eloquently.
One of the hardest things I will ever do. But I have faith that my Higher Power is right by my side, helping me, suffering with me. I will leave my son in his hands.
But man, it really helps to talk about it. To write about it. Thanks for all those who responded.
BTW: Caron is about 45 minutes from me--have led AA meetings there. WAY too expensive for me. He may be going to Caron's outpatient IOP, though, so that's good.