Originally Posted by
DazedAnd 
The initial good feelings I had about myself for quitting are fading and being replaced with old self hate. I drink and smoke because I want to kill myself but I'm too much of a coward to ever really do so. I don't even have the urge to drink or smoke, I just want to fill the void and take out my anger on myself. A decent looking funny 22 year old who's never had an actual girlfriend. With a manipulative family and no real friends. With no real direction in life. I've done everything I can - old bad habits gone, weight gone, misanthropic ways abandoned. And I'm still the same miserable piece of crap I always was.
I relate to this DazedAnd, I'm 24...those suicidal thoughts come from our use, I think. And the rest of your perception might be twisted from using and drinking. With this thinking, you'll dig yourself deeper and maybe relapse. I know it seems like fairy dust, but try to stay positive! If you want friends, remember that people are attracted to positiveness. You said it yourself, you're "decent" looking...so breathe, go out there and better yourself. Stop thinking these thoughts, they're a time sink and will only hurt you.
And you're not a piece of crap. When you think of how glorious life and conception is, you realize you're a miracle!