I don't know about everyone else, but now that I'm realizing--and have openly acknowledged--some of the depth and detail that my learned behaviors and triggers entail, I am feeling a regular dose of guilt and shame for still reacting with the same behaviors.
Don't get me wrong, I'm putting a lot of effort into *not* reacting to my triggers, but some of them are almost literally invisible to me, as they've come to feel so "natural" and normal.
For example, it's hard for me to stop myself from just making little jabs that are designed to either make people feel guilty or ashamed (so that I can beat them to the punch, of course). They're such subtle little jabs that they've basically been designed to be justified with "oh, I was just noticing this or that"...kind of like people who put you down while "joking around", so that they can say "oh, I was just kidding", etc.
And it's almost always about control, or the need for approval.
I know that I post a lot on here, and sometimes I even feel guilty for that, like I'm hogging the forum or something. But I know that I need help, and this is where I know I can get it.
So...any suggestions on how to give myself positive feedback instead of negative, shaming feedback when I'm not able to magically make all the toxic behavior disappear at once?
I know that this is a process, and will probably be a long and difficult one, and that I should go easy on myself, but if any of you have experienced these feelings in your early recovery (and I'm guessing a lot of you have) and have found ways that have worked for you when dealing with these feelings, please feel free to share your experience!
