theBuffalo

Hello, this is my first post on this forum. I’m a 34 year old guy living in Brooklyn and working in Manhattan. I’ve been living in the city since my early 20s, and it has always been an easy place to drink in. I’ve known I drank too much for many years, but I always explained it to myself as “that’s what people do here, especially young people.” Feeling much less young these days, I also realize that simply being able to go to bars and think I’m being responsible simply because I don’t have to drive (walking or taking subways is easy) after drinking far too much is ridiculous. More importantly, It’s self destructive.

My girlfriend of 10 years recently ended our relationship as I was preparing to move the relationship forward and get engaged. I also know that my drinking and my panic attacks/agoraphobia were largely responsible for my part in our problems.

I started drinking because it relieved social anxiety and panic disorder and because it made me feel and have more fun. Incidentally, my first full-blown panic attack came in college after smoking pot (my mind is not built for hallucinogenic drugs).

2001 was a very difficult year for a variety of reasons. My doctor prescribed me Xanax. It was also around this time that I experienced my first avoidance behaviors that would ultimately lead to agoraphobia.

At some point (I couldn’t say exactly when), I began using alcohol and Xanax to overcome agoraphobia-level panic attacks. Most days, I cannot leave the house without having taken Xanax or having a drink. And sometimes both. While I’m at home, I am in my safe zone, and unless it is to recover from a hangover, my need for and usage of Xanax greatly declines.

I feel like I am trapped. I have heard it is hell (if not impossible) to withdraw from Xanax (especially after 11 years of daily use). I don’t want to become housebound, but I would love to live and enjoy the world without feeling the need to take Xanax or drink alcohol in order to participate in it. I should also note that while most of my friends don’t drink as much as me, they all drink quite a bit and frequently, so it is difficult to avoid being around that lifestyle.

I would like to become a stronger person and win my girlfriend back, or failing that, be able to go on a date with a girl I don't know without having to drink or take xanax.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone else out there deals with similar things.