Dear Calendula, Welcome to the SR family, I am so glad you are here!
So sorry about your dad, I really can understand how you feel, my mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 of my 49 years, she has been in the ICU twice in the last 18 months with drinking related heart issues. I just didn't really care whether she lived or died, she has drained me emotionally by all her years of mean, self-absorbed behavior.
You come in here whenever you need to, write as much as you need to feel better, I promise I will read and reply.
This is a great place to vent or talk, get a hug or a shoulder.
There is nothing abnormal about your thinking or how you feel, you will not be judged here.
I will say a prayer for you and your dad, I hope you know you did not cause him to drink and you could not stop his drinking, those were his choices alone, he is a grown man and did as he wished,
Please accept a big hug from me, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Best of luck to you,
Bill