JustAYak

It's affected me a lot. It affects my relationships with other people, my relationship with myself, and my relationship with whatever God there may be (if there is one...I'm not much of a God believer at the moment).

More specifically, I have a lot of trust issues. A lot of anxiety when I am around other people simply because I drew myself in as a child as a form of protection and my social skills are sub-par. I always feel awkward, like I don't fit in anywhere...I don't feel connected to people very easily, mostly because of these trust issues. I feel as if I could move on from my friends with ease, like if they walked out of my life tomorrow, I wouldn't care (this is not true with all my friends though). I just can't get close to people because I'm too afraid of them hurting me or abandoning me like my parents have, the most important adults in a child's life. So...it takes a lot for me to trust people and let them be close. It takes a lot for me to let people actually love me and to let myself actually feel that love.

I carry PTSD around, though that is not really from the abuse, that stems from other things. I should say, it was uncommon that I was actually hit in my household, it did happen but it wasn't often. The abuse I've endured is emotional, verbal, neglectful sort of abuse...not so much the physical side. The physical things I did endure were scary, I don't know quite how to describe the feeling very well, but it's terrifying. I do hate it when people sneak up on me though and grab my shoulder or something like that...it still startles me. Definitely gets my heart going and not in a good way. I imagine if this child grows up being physically abused or emotionally abused during all his/her formative years, they're going to have a very very tough life ahead of them. It is crazy how unwanted it makes you feel... They might turn out like me and turn to drugs to numb the pain and continue the cycle, or they might seek out help early. I hope they choose the sensible choice...and if they are removed from the home, they are actually forced into this through family therapy in the very least.

There is more to me, but you get the gist. It's crazy how twisted you become when you live in a drugged up environment. You become amazing at keeping everything a secret, and keeping everything inside. Even now, it's difficult for me to express myself in person, I do it much better through writing which is a big reason why I love this forum and I'm not much of meeting-goer. People say to me often that, "You never get angry, do you? I've never seen you totally p*ssed off before." Doesn't mean I haven't been, I just don't express it. I don't confront people, generally because I've been taught that all emotion shown is bad and it comes with a lot of (unfair and incorrect) consequences. It does get better through therapy though, I can attest to that. People like me heal...it just takes a lot of time and work that no one ever wants to do. Truthfully, I wish I didn't have to do it, but if I don't my life is pretty much worthless, and I don't want to be worthless.