The OP is codependent. ( And it takes one to know one) The OP needs/wants to hear that they were right all along, has influence and can make a difference. Codependency, a sickness, seeks to rationalize, validate, protect and sustain itself no different than addiction.
From my own experience codependency is rooted in my ego. The more out of control things got with my daughter, the more I convinced myself that I was going to beat her demons. All I had to do was put forth more and more support, time, energy, money and will, my will that she would fufill my hopeful fantasy of what her live should be. And the pay -off delusion for me was that I was powerful enough to do this.
I puffed up with pride and clapped like a mad women at any sign that my daughter was turning a corner and did so to sustain my own hopeful fantasy that I was going to prevail and snap her out of it. Somewhere in all of this I forgot she had her own will and ability to make her own choices and that some of those choices did not fit my hopeful fantasy for her life.
The more I worked on her, the more out of control I became. I did not eat. Or I ate too much. I did not sleep. I picked up my own nasty addiction of smoking, again. I cried all the time. I allowed my moods and emotional stability to depend on her outcomes, because I thought I was powerful enough to influence those outcomes. At the time, I was not capable of three consecutive sentences that did not involve my daughter.
Somehow I stumbled on thisforum looking for recommmendations bout how to control my daughter's post rehab experience just as I tried to control her in treatment experiences. I thought some of the posters here were confused. They kept referring to working my own recovery, like I had a problem, eh.
I ignored counsel and brought my daughter home. She relapsed within hours and I had a front row center seat to another ride, on the crazy train. I started reading the stickies and the back stories on thousands of posters on this and other SR forums and read them again. I sought therapy. And I began to grasp my role in all this and the only thing I controlled was my reaction. Eventually, I created boundaries for my own behaviors, let go of my daughter's outcomes and gave my daughter the dignity to experience the consequences of her choices.
She evetually hit her bottom and cleaned up. She did this on her own without me, when she decided she was done. I am acutely aware of my own tendency to worry about relapse and what if and so on. This forum, the common thread that runs through each post and those posters unafraid of telling it like it is, keeps me focused on controling myself and a daily reminder that worry is a choice and today I choose to not worry about what I do not control.
My daughter and I are close now. We can laugh about some of our mutual stunts. It's good enough for me today. Tommorow will take care of itself.
There is no bitterness here. It's more of a " what was I thinking" thing to have gotten so wrapped up in a hopeful fantasy. Then I remember, I was not thinking. I forgave myself and moved on. My daughter, your BF, the other guy's wife or son.... It's all the same hopeful fantasy of what we wanted/needed/expected of an outcome we do not control. Letting go of our hopeful fantasies is maturation and freedom.