Grrrrr!
Well, I'm almost a week sober and although the physical detox went well, the emotional detox is starting and it's not fun. Out of the blue, for no apparent reason tonight, I just got completely ticked off. Ticked off that I can't drink like "normies," ticked off at alcohol for being so seductive and deceitful in my life, ticked off that the paint is peeling in my garage .... you name it. I knew anger would be part of the process but I didn't expect THIS. I'm mad at myself, mad at the weather, and just plain mad! And that ugly alcoholic voice keeps saying, "Well, all you need is a drink and you won't be mad anymore." UGH!!
Today at AA we talked about "insanity vs. sanity," i.e. what was insane about the way you used to live and what is "sane" about the way you live now that you're sober. I'm still early in this process so I think I have more insanity than sanity at this point, but today I did gain enough sanity to realize that alcohol had more of a hold on me than I ever thought it did ... that it was a demon that wanted to drag me down into hell. And it doesn't give up, either. It is relentless, it is deceitful, and it is PATIENT. Someone in AA today said that they were sober for 11 years and then relapsed. Alcohol will wait forever to take you back ... and at the "right" moment, it will slither on in and grab you once again. I think that's where the anger started for me today. Maybe that's a constructive anger, I don't know. So I called my sponsor, and thankfully, she told me I was "normal", then suggested I sit down and write out the consequences of my last five drunks in these categories: spiritual, emotional, family/relationships, physical, legal, and kids. I wrote for an hour and when I read what I wrote afterwards, I was disgusted and even more ticked off! Alcohol took so much of my life from me, so I guess my anger toward it is justified and perhaps even healthy. But the anger at the other stuff? Where does that come from? Why am I so mad that there are mice in my garage and that my trash bag ripped when the box it came in said it wouldn't? Again .... UGH!!!