Resentment and Anger
Hi all,
I'm fairly new here, and in fact, new to the AA community. Last night I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, and I plan on going back. I felt so many emotions during the meeting as others were speaking, and two of them have come back to me today that I felt I just had to post about it.
My father has been an alcoholic my whole life. I spent so much of my childhood and teenage years dreaming of getting out of that environment, thinking that running away from that part of my life would save me. That finally I'd be a normal, happy person. I thought I would meet some man who would "save" me and never abandon me like my father and my birthparents. My mother never did anything to stand up to my dad, letting him say or do whatever he wanted without consequences. Her goal was to please him, mine was to keep the peace between all of us.
When I left my house at 18 I finally felt free. I went to college and thought that finally, it was all over. What I now understand, after about ten years of being on my own, is that the behaviors I have learned as a child have followed me to adulthood and I am not okay. I've been running away from every single person who has hurt me. This means I've lived in five different cities in the last 10 years, never staying one place long enough. When a romantic relationship has ended, I've gotten the hell out of dodge. I'm tired though, tired of running. I don't think I'm going to run anymore.
But what I'm really dealing with now is anger and resentment towards both of my parents. After a major surgery last year, my dad quit drinking for a few months. I couldn't believe it. I finally thought my life was going to be a happy one. Everything started looking up after that. I lost weight, I fell in love, had the best vacation of my life with my parents. But as everything goes in life, the shoe dropped. My boyfriend broke up with me, my dad started drinking again, and my dreams were dashed. My dad doesn't drink like he used to, so Christmas this year was actually enjoyable. First time ever, I think, without him being wasted. But now I'm just angry. Angry that he couldn't have been like that when it mattered the most. Angry that yet again, I've been abandoned by the boyfriend and wondering what I did to deserve that kind of treatment yet again. Angry at my dad for not caring about me enough to give me a childhood without drinking.
I'm new to the program, so any advice you all can give me would be appreciated. Thanks so much for this community.