I agree, YearForMe, I think my ex was desperately trying to manage his use...and "using" tools and resources of recovery to do so. When I came to finally see this it was a new awakening for me. I witnessed that, and I think I had to see that truth in order to let go more than I ever had before.
Maybe relapse is part of recovery in codependency. Its only when you have peeled away all the layers of denial and detached that you can let go with love. People started telling me two years ago to let go, to take a break, to say "see you in a year". I just wasn't ready. I had to hit my own bottom.
Some of us can just listen to the advice and quit, immerse ourselves in recovery and detach, and let go. Some us have to keep getting hurt by addiction (incl lies deceit etc) and keep seeing it, before we finally get exhausted by the monitoring and attempts to control.
Taking a break...even the possibility of a "short term" separation in order to gain clarity and make some discoveries concerning healthy boundaries, self care, self focus, etc. is for some the first step. "Taking a break" is kind of like agreeing to go to rehab. Maybe in that set aside length of time of "treatment" including some space, reading, meetings, SR, etc a person can find some tools and ways to serenity. Taking a break allows space to discover options about detaching.
"Taking a break" removed me from my immersion in my codependent relationship and it has done wonders! Taking a break does not need to imply "going back". It just opens the door to the possibility of life in separation for awhile, something which I just wasn't able to imagine at first!!