Alice I am sorry for the pain you feel. I too just recently felt that pain of deceit and lies.
It was really so frustrating and painful for me. I have been at this mans side and kept putting my belief in him and his recovery. Before this last time he went out he had 8 months and was working a program really well and strong. When he started working doubly hard to pay for our trip to Europe and decided to taper off his bipolar meds to save that expense too (without checking in with anyone about that brilliant idea) I began to see his serenity/recovery/program deteriorate. I was already practicing al anon...so I noticed, asked a couple of questions, and when he went out I knew it. We even decided to work through that one "slip" because of all the circumstances.
It was when I discovered three weeks later that the "slip" was a secretive ongoing relapse...active using and that it was going on under my nose that I felt the greatest deceit. He had gone from full on disappearing to being able to text and call to make excuses for where he was at. The lying and deceit had "progressed"!
I am now living in the place we used to live together on my own. It was my place to begin with. For my sanity and emotional well being I had to ask him to leave. He went to a sober house that he has lived in before. He has lived in many sober houses, our city is FULL FULL FULL of them (and for good reason!) and he has "slipped" out of all of them.
He has worked a program over and over and over. When he is diligent it seems to work for him. Drug addiction is totally miserable. To stay away from it takes intense diligence...as most say 110% attention to recovery. I have watched him over and over get really cavalier about his program, thinks he's "got it"...is too smart, knows all the big shots etc. I used to handle his money for him too...watch out for the really angry mood swings. The addict in him that he may be trying to wrestle with will wrestle with you if you have put yourself in that position.
You should STRONGLY consider NOT taking on the role of monitor. It will feed...force feed...any codependent tendency you have. And let's face it, it you're dating an ex con drug addict you are probably sure to have codependent tendencies. Don't take this label on as a "judgement" take it as a prescription for what you CAN do. which is read everything you can find on the subject, come here and go to meetings!!!
I was lucky enough to even get a couple of intensive retreats for coda and al anon. It is NOT easy to draw healthy boundaries until you have done some of your own recovery work in the situation. In fact at least half of the outline above sounds like a slippery slope right toward a steep cliff concerning codie behaviors in a relationship. Do you really want to be "choosing" days to drug test your boyfriend. If you decide you will handle his money you will most likely quite quickly discover why that is an awful position to be in.
my post is very long...it's probably my own codie in me reaching out to you.
I am now, as I say, living separately from exABF. We exchange a few texts here and there. Ultimately I had to do what my spirit, heart and conscience called for...and that was to NOT subject myself to the lies and deceit. I was so heartbroken and terrified of losing that love, of losing all the great parts about him. But he is now where he probably needs to be, (I can hope). It is up to him whether he gets himself well....especially from such an insanely recalcitrant addiction. The actual recovery rates are quite slim.
I I I I I I... needed a break. This distance and time has allowed a calmness and clarity to wash over me. I still am not entirely sure what will happen in the future. Each day I just pray, do my meditations, check in here and with my face to face recovery community and live one day at a time, doing the next right thing. I keep it simple and pay attention to my own life. I gently try to refocus each time my mind and heart goes journeying off toward him. We love each other. But we can't live with broken trust. I don't know if I will be able to trust again. But I needed a break from trying so hard to trust and believe in the face of lying and deceit.
This all is a very very very long way of saying...can you just take a break? If the idea of taking a break terrifies you then look into that. You own that.