NYCDoglvr

I'll respond first as a recovering alcoholic (20 years). My take is that when we start drinking we stop growing as a person. During the time I drank heavily I saw my non-alcoholic brother move through life's challenges, take actions I wasn't capable of and learn a great deal from his experiences. But for alcoholics booze is their higher power and great love. If we're lucky enough to have someone who takes care of the details of being an adult then we can continue to be irresponsible, self-centered and immature. AA's Big Book says alcoholics are "immature, grandiose and thin skinned."

So we put down alcohol and we're still immature, grandiose and thin skinned. With a great deal of hard work and time, we will change and grow up, become responsible and care about others (this last thing is tough for alcoholics who see themselves as the center of the universe!). But three months is nothing and a year is still considered early sobriety. It takes a lot of work on the steps, brutal honesty and willingness. "If you take the alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you still have a horse thief". A lot depends on how long someone was drinking and their basic qualities as a human being. Some recovering alcoholics have values, deeply regret what they did to themselves and others and immediately start doing the hard work.

As a co-dependent I hope you don't beat yourself up for your feelings, which are certainly valid. You have a right to the life you want and if it isn't working, you're doing nothing wrong if you end the marriage. We reach the point of no return sometimes and it's impossible to "act as if" we trust and respect someone when we don't. While I've seen a few recovering alcoholics continue marriages once they get sober, it's not the norm.

I hope you put the focus on yourself now, acknowledge your hopes and feelings, and take action. A great place to start is Al-anon and this forum is a god send.