wow florence, your post really resonates with me. i have only been married to my AH for about ayear and a half. before that we dated and we both drank and had fun without many consequences b/c i slowly started taking over all of his responsibilities.
we have been separated for a month now and have been seeing eachother once a week for a "date" of sorts. (usually an AA meeting and then dinner/movie after). I have been feeling really great on my own, living alone, detaching from our chaotic life together etc... however i am finding that whenever i hang out with him, my symptoms seem to flare up again. I try to let go of resentments, but its so hard when hes around. when hes not, i can think positive thoughts about him and think about the love i feel for him... however on our dates, i cant help but think aboutall of these questions that i dont need to be asking ... "will he ever get a better job?" "will he ever take care of me? will he ever be father material? will he really stay sober? when will he drink again? are his bills paid? can he even afford this dinner/movie?"
as ive been going to Al Anon, i understand that all of the above is MY OWN disease acting up. but i wonder, does he just aggravate the symptoms? can being around him, sober or drinking, somehow make serenity harder to attain?
i truly admire the women in al anon who seem to work the program and find serenity LIVING with their AH's .... but im finding it very difficult lately to be around him. : /
to leave on a positive note, i know that i need to remember to let go and let god.... and ill be attending an al anon meeting tonight.