Florence

Been lurking and reading SR the last couple of weeks, looking for gems of wisdom that may or may not apply to my situation. After over a year of trying to to it his own way and coming up short, my AH went to a rehab in MN through October and came home with a great attitude towards his recovery. He's active in recovery, has a great sponsor, attended IOP and volunteered after coming home, turned the volunteer work into a job opportunity. He's plugged in with the kids, optimistic about starting a new career, etc etc. I was skeptical at first, but he is doing pretty well. Although he's been trying to quit drinking for over a year, and has been sober for the majority of that time, he had a hard time *staying* sober because he wasn't working a program. He has now accrued over 90 near-painless days without a drink and is very active in the local recovery community.

But my heart's not in it.

Maybe I've been disappointed too many times over the course of our marriage, maybe I've been jaded by the lies and the manipulations, maybe I don't respect or trust him anymore. Maybe... I don't know what. I just know that whatever there is between us -- and it isn't much right now -- isn't enough for me. I used to see a really dynamic guy, to whom I was wildly attracted, my best friend -- and now I look at him and see all the annoying habits, the immaturity, the lack of priorities, I see his path to self-destruction, and if not, to mediocrity. I look at him, at our kids, our stuff, my life, and I think that if I knew then what I know now that I never would have stuck through this. I wouldn't have married him at all.

Is that mean? It feels mean. On the one hand I feel like I should "be supportive" of his recovery, on the other hand, I feel like he should be plugged in to his recovery regardless of how I feel about it. Someone told me on these boards (anvilhead?) that these early days of recovery are so fragile that the RA can't make a lot of demands on him- or herself that are outside of the recovery sphere. So right now I'm trying to hold on to myself and my feelings-bombs and give him enough time to get his feet on the ground, emotionally and career-wise (his new job starts tomorrow and WE NEED THE MONEY) before I start making demands regarding marital counseling.

But I feel empty towards him. No, not quite empty -- maybe so resentful that I can't stand to be around him. I want to reconnect with him and I do see his love for me even though it's falling short for me right now. I want a relationship with an equal, I want a sex life, I want affection, I don't want to feel alone when I'm laying next to him at night, I want to be with someone who is responsible for his bills and his car and et cetera -- DON'T GET ME WRONG, he's made leaps and bounds in his recovery and living with him today is peaceful in comparison -- but it's not enough. Damn it, I'm young and still hot and I've got a lot that I want to do with my life, and while I'd like for us to figure it out and revive the love we once had in a healthier way, I am not convinced that it's possible.

One of the things that's really bothering me today is the immaturity. It's a truism that As stop their emotional development when they start using because their answer to every stressor is drug and alcohol abuse. This is something that I've mulled over for a long while. So I see him parked on the couch, making jokes about Beavis and Butthead (damn whoever brought back that show), asking me for money to go buy a coke at the gas station (I took over the bank account exclusively), or whatever, and I want to kick him in the butt and tell him to find a new mom.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. Someone to complain with me? When is it reasonable to start asking for more in my marriage? Are my expectations too low? Maybe a RA can give me some thoughts about what it's like to be living in this early recovery time. Or a FFA can tell me about what it was like for them while living with their RA.