Glad to have you here, unentschieden! I kept drinking for years because I couldn't fathom never having another drink. That way of thinking led me to a very dangerous place, complete with dui's and terrible loss. I'm not sure why I so desperately held on to it, since there was no joy in it at the end of my career - only desolation and misery.
Be proud of your 20 days sober - keep building on that. We're here to help & cheer you on.