Hi XXXXXXXXX,
I have been where you and have some ESH for you... I read your previous posts and have a little insight into your core belief systems and how that may influence how you feel and think about this man.
Disclaimer: XXXXXXX is a Christian and her father is a pastor and so my responses to her are going to be in a Christian context but the message is universal so please feel free to exchange Jesus for your own HP ... but my anonymous HP is Jesus C. and what he taught is VERY HEALTHY stuff for believers and followers of all religions!
Our God is a Prodigal God... the God of second chances and third and fourth and fifth and on and on... however there is a huge difference between asking someone to forgive us and real repentence which is an about face change of direction in action and behaviors!
When God's people are in rebellion and sin he very often went NC... even let them get carried off into captivity by the bullies of the day... Babylonians or whoever. When they TRULY repented he would rescue them and once again SET BOUNDARIES that they were to live by.
God's people live in community and LOOK for fruit ... not talk. We love, do not judge the person but condemn the sin and point the way out of the destructive lifestyle and choices.
Fruit checking is a good thing. Don't know your guy but I know mine and he used to be born again lazy if he thinks he can get away with it... you know the kind... that thin veneer and got the christianeze down pat but doesn't live what he preaches. The yuck that turns many people off from some confessing Christians and "religion" even though they have no problem with the concept of a living God!
Well... long story short seperation and even DIVORCE can be redemptive and God can use it to bring someone to repentence through the valley or bottom.
My A got when he had a "dark night of the soul" while he was NC with me and just about everybody else... he had been in deep denail and drinking himself to death. After the night he surrendered he got in REAL recovery and REAL spiritual connection with his HP (Jesus C) and is now active in AA and working on his issues everyday. Had I not dumped him on his silly hard head he would happily kept trying to keep the status quo and his comfy spot on the couch sneaking booze whenever he could.
My letting him sink and God using that time in NC was INSTRUMENTAL in his calling out to God FOR REAL instead of all the con game he had been running... he was a Jedi Master of Manipulation!
So... if your A wants to REALLY get sober and REALLY get sober then there is path of HOPE ... which is SURRENDER to God completely absolutely and 150% and that means LETTING GO of you completely until he hears from GOD and you hear from GOD that you are supposed to consider reconciliation!
God believes in discipleship... which is the same as a SPONSOR who is spiritually mature. Does he have one? Does he go to Christian counseling? Is he attending meetings? AA or Celebrate Recovery? Is he reading books... lots of them? Like on relationship building.. addiction... self help?
HOw about the Bible?????? Is he is a bible study? Is he plugged into somewhere? I personally am a simple church person and am OK with house church or bible studies with mature grounded people helping eachother to be transparent and accountible? But if he is not doing that is attending a brick and mortar church somewhere?
We are to be salt and light... but Jesus was pretty darn salty. Cultural Christianity wants us to focus on all the comfy things Jesus said and did but he was a salty guy who dished out truth and peoiples lives were forever changed who FOLLOWED him and what He taught.
If we know Him and follow Him we would have fruit hanging around us... they are signs of true repentence and relationship. If we follow Him we are not selfish or we are working on CHANGING by a program of action!
READ THIS: "I'll change - I promise" and send it to him along with a copy of my post to you... see if he ready to REALLY change if it means whatever it takes!
''I'll Change, I Promise''