Well ............................. guess I was unique afterall. I hear and understand what you are saying, I was not that way.
When I found AA, I did NOT feel obligated to attend meetings, I RAN TO MEETINGS.
Why?
Because in those early months it was THE ONLY PLACE I FELT SAFE. With people who understood exactly what I was going through.
Yep, once I got a sponsor I did call her every day. Of course, I would pray that the answering machine would pick up, because I really didn't know what to say. roflmao
However, as time went on, and I was starting to 'function' a bit better sober, I started to see and understand the request. She just wanted to see if I could and/or would follow a direction. How great was my willingness.
That was a long time ago now. I don't do near as many meetings as I did in those first years in recovery. I do though see folks coming in, not sure they are ready, but coming to meetings, and continuing to drink. I figure well if they ever really get ready to stop, at least they know where we are.
AA is for those that have a desire to stop drinking. Yes I know that Courts 'sentence' DUI drivers to AA and they sure don't want to stop. I do believe California was the first state to do that, at about the time I found recovery. Yes they would sit in the back, they still do. But sometimes, something does get through to those folks to, maybe sooner than it would have otherwise.
I married my 2nd Husband when I was 1 1/2 years sober and he was 3 years sober. He got sober by being sentenced to AA for 1 year, 3 times a week. For most of his first year he said as soon as he hit a year he was going to go out and REALLY CELEBRATE (ie get good and drunk). He never did.
He died 30 years sober, however, there was a bit of a glitch in that. At about 6 or 7 years sober he developed a massive gambling habit. So he never picked up the booze again, but he did change addictions. It was those actions that got me to Alanon, lol
So, if AA is 'not your thing', that is certainly not a crime. Just find something that you can 'dig into' and apply in your life to get to the root of the symptom (alcoholism).
I use much more than AA myself. Sure I worked those steps and learned how to live those steps and apply them in my life. I use a lot of CBT also, because for me I need to see things in black and white. One of my most useful 'tools' is doing a Pro/Con list about a decision. Be that a job change, a home change, a city change, or the purchase of an item. And the costs may not always be just monetary.
So, maybe you need to find a 'different' sponsor, one that you maybe 'click' better with, or maybe you need to start with a Pro/Con list on your drinking. It will give you a better idea, seeing it in black and white if you are ready to quit.
Just remember you can always come here and post, there is always someone around 24/7.
Love and hugs,