losingfaith

I keep having this recurring thought (maybe I should say dream) of moving to another country, changing my name and disappearing from everyone but my husband. But I know that isn’t a reality.
My father was an abusive alcoholic and drug addict and died in 2003 of a drug overdose.
My mom was in a bad motorcycle accident 19 years ago when I was 10 and it did a lot of damage mentally. My sister is an alcoholic. My mother in law used to be what I wanted to be if I ever have kids. She was a great mother and friend, even to me! I say was because my father in law died almost 3 years ago from cancer and she has lost touch with reality. She will not seek help and is not the person she used to be. I know you can’t go through something like that and remain unchanged but now she has joined my pain without even knowing it.
The problem is I really really want to tell them to lose my phone number and that I disown them. I have had enough. My mom is so angry at my sister for what she has become and will not listen to me when I try to point out some obvious things that she does as a result to our childhood that I have learned through my own recovery. I do it without blame to her! I mean most of the horrid stuff happened when she was in a coma for 3 months and my father took care of us so it isn’t in any way her fault. She’s angry at my father and hates him. and I mean that in the truest of the statement. I don’t know how to deal with these people. I have worked very hard to pick myself up and move on to be happy, but it’s short lived. And when I’m around them, afterwards I am a mess for weeks. Christmas day I went into full blown anxiety attacks after being around everyone and my husband just doesn’t understand. Yesterday I was really sad and cried all day. Today I’m angry! My dr says limit contact with them, distance yourself from them. and no matter how much I want to do that I can’t.
And I’m trying to figure out why on earth I can’t say something when someone says something that is way out of line. Especially when it’s to me/about me? I am so mad at myself for not blowing up on those people who deserve it for their cold useless words. My dr says next time someone says something to you that hurts tell them as nice as you can how much they hurt you. and I think to myself she can’t be serious! My husband was really upset when I told him about his mom’s careless rude comment and wanted to say something to her about it but I wouldn’t allow it because he was angry and I didn’t want him to hurt her. now what kind of sense does that make? Absolutely none!
I’m just really frustrated and I feel like no one gets it. I tried talking it out with a friend and she said just ignore them don’t let it get to you. it’s just not that simple!