Originally Posted by
NYCDoglvr 
The problem is that we pick someone like this, we're attracted to them. I learned I was responsible because I pick someone who has major problems and stay with him. If I let someone -- anyone -- abuse me then it's really my fault.
This
really ticked me off, so I had to stop and look at why. And, NYC, I know you didn't mean it the way I took, it. *sigh* I think my emotional response is rooted in several issues I'm trying to deal with (i.e. trying to convince myself of the following):
- I did not deserve to be treated the way XAH treated me, nor did I deserve to be r-ped simply because he was my H.
- Simply because I stayed does not mean I liked, encouraged, wanted or deserved to be treated the way he did / does.
- The old adage that it takes two to tango is bull-it when it comes to abuse. I did nothing that deserved abuse. My responses to keep him placated was not "tango-ing," it was protecting my sanity and life from a 'man' who I loved and who I thought loved me.
I'm sorry if I'm sidetracking the thread, but I really want to let any one else reading this who has been in an abusive relationship know that in no way are you responsible for being abused. You're responsible only for the choosing the partner, and I do agree with NYC that I had issues that led me to choose XAH.
However, the abuser, and
only the abuser, is responsible for his actions and his actions are made to break you down and get you under his thumb. No matter what the abuser says, nothing you could do or fail to do makes it OK for him to abuse you. If you're able to survive what the abuser dishes out and brave enough to get away, you are incredibly strong. So much stronger than you know.
(Note: I'm only using the masculine for the abuser because my abuser was my H. I know that there are cases of women being abusive as well.)
Hugs.