Stuck
I want my life back. I loved this person that was so bad for me and it's made me so sick. It's taken away all of the pleasure I used to feel. All of the laughter, the enjoyment, the serenity. It's taken my friends, my passions, interests and intellectual pursuits in its wake. It consumes me.
I feel weak, and have never maintained NC. I let him back in again and again. He does the same thing every time. Idealizes me and promises the world, takes everything I have to give, then abuses, devalues, disrespects, defiles, cheats, lies, manipulates and discards me when the promise of something "better" comes along.
I must be a masochist. I take him back when the grass isn't greener. When whatever girl he's chasing/idealized turns him away. When he inevitably loses his latest job and runs out of money. When he has nothing else. That's when he slithers back and spins me a fantasy narrative, and I rescue him. Each time I financially support him until he finds a job. I clean up the messes he's made while he was away chasing skirts and egotistical fantasies. Drinking every night, going on coke binges. I carry him until he gets on his feet, and as soon as he does he kicks me to the curb and runs away, usually with a new girl. This is always my fault. I am "crazy." I don't have the right job. I am toxic, not good enough for him. Something I did in response to his ambient abuse made him treat me this way. I must deserve it, I am the crazy one. HE rejects ME as a person! Until he needs me to meet his needs again, then the cycle starts all over.
I remember who I was before I met him, and how it FELT to be me. I know I have to find that person again. She's in there buried under all of the scar tissue, but I just feel so STUCK in the phases of grief! It's like being paralyzed. My self esteem has tanked and I beat myself up for letting him back into my life so many times, and I have become isolated.
Sorry if this is a bit of a rant/vent. Just been having a really tough time with it lately and really want to start living again but can't fully seem to get out of the fog...
Thank you all for being here!