Originally Posted by
Debi4vols 
I've struggled with the whole alcoholism is a "disease" too...My RAH has an addictive brain...when he was drinking..he played cards or darts and just fixated on them. then when the drinking stopped..it was playstation for hours at a time...or AA 2x a day every day..then it was hunting and the gun club.. He's either all in or all out..he can't do anything in moderation..and balance.
Yeah...balance is a good term. It's been 3 yrs..and he still is the same..he just doesn't drink. Honestly..when he drunk he was much nicer to me than he is now 3 yrs sober.
So I guess my thinking is..is this a disease...or is he chemically off balanced (is that the same as disease)...or is he just a self-centered jerk..plain and simple. The last 3 yrs i thought it was a disease..but now..i'm really think his behavior is his choice.
It would be easier to think it was a disease..then I could justify his actions and think...well maybe he does love me..and even though he won't hardly hold my hand or talk to me..its just the disease. But now in my heart..i really don't believe that...i just think hes mean..and he has to have his way 24/7. It's exhausting.
My XABF kicked an 8-year Rx drug addiction and picked up booze, porn, coke, and other women 6 months later (and no, his emotional instability and problem behavior did NOT stop when he quit drugs). He now claims he was never really an addict (this, coming from a man who wanted to get a Sober4Life tattoo on his arm while in early recovery). He is still doing coke and binge drinking daily despite a trip to the doctor that revealed he was a week out from a stroke with fatty liver AND triglycerides in the 700's at 29 years-old. But guess what?: The doctor is wrong and a quack, and XABF is wonderful and doesn't need to change a thing.
In my heart I too think XABF is just a mean, heartless, sociopath phony, addiction and PDs or not. A self-centered, narcissistic jerk who feels entitled and superior and lacks empathy and a moral compass. A manipulative emotional child who is always testing boundaries and dodging responsibility. Why should he have yet another excuse for all the lying, cheating, stealing, manipulating, raging, etc.? I don't think all alcoholics/addicts are jerks at the core, but many seem to be judging from these boards. How many times have we heard, "he was nicer before he got sober..."?
The abusive A's do cause so much damage to us though, and it's so nice to find anything that explains what is happening to us and why we don't run for the hills immediately! This one really helped me understand what was happening to me too:
Ambient Abuse and Gaslighting