Amazing article Dollydo!!!
Maggi I hope it makes sense to you. To be honest if I read this few years ago it wouldn't make any sense to me, as at the time I wasn't willing to do anything that starts from the perspective: what can I do for myself, and also I was unable to see that if I did something good for myself I'm consenquently doing something good for the ones close to me.
I was too stuck into thinking that I need to figure something out that will change him, as that was, in my mind, the one and only thing that can make my own life better.
It took me an awful amount of pain to realize I can't have what I want and I have to work with what I have to make me life better.
I believe that setting healthy boundaries comes from taking off that rose colored glasses and accepting reality for what it is. Only when we do that we are able to adopt other perspectives. That change in how we think and how we see ourselves is crucial, as I strongly believe we always do only what we believe is right (read: what will give us what we want). Or in other words we will not set any boundaries until we truly see that is something that can help us.
For me the turning point was when I realized I am the one who is responsible for my own life, not my husband. It was me how was allowing my life to be a mess by putting up with all kinds of his crazy behaviors. It was my fault not his.
When I saw things in that light, boundaries became not only possible, but it was impossible not to have them.
I believe to set healthy boundaries one must work on oneself, examine and question all those things that make him/her the person he/she is: hopes, fears, expectations, ... especially the things he/she is most defensive about.
I've spent the years looking for the solutions to my problmes literary everywhere, only to find out at the end, all the answers were inside of myself.