I think that it was my shame that kept me drunk for so long. Well, that and the fact that I am an alcoholic.
I heard someone say once, "I drank because I drank because I drank...." This alcoholism sure has a way of sustaining itself. I went into treatment convinced that if they knew all that I had done they would discharge me on the grounds that I was too far gone to help. I can laugh at myself now, but it was pretty serious at the time. One thing that helped was hearing other people who shared their stories: They had similar experiences. Some "worse." I realized that I was not sitting in judgement of them, that I had some iota of compassion for them--and certainly some respect that they had the courage to share. I made a decision to grant myself the same forgiveness.
It has been a process. They told me to shoot the alligators closest to the boat first, so I did. There would be plenty of time later to make the amends and repair the damage I had done.