dancingnow

I am separated from RAH for almost 2 years now. We are basically NC although intermittingly I still test waters to see if he is miraculously recovered and we can make it work. LOL.

Anyway, he is workaholic now and supposedly sober but I wouldn't know as I for most part maybe see him for 5 minutes every 2 weeks when he picks up DS.

I am doing well in my recovery, with Alanon meetings and readings and meditation and focusing on what is my next step after my transition job from SAHM for over 10 years to FT professional. I am actually 2 1/2 years FT but just cut down to 30 hours/week as it is just too much with family and I am out of denial so my life is becoming more clear and focused and I want to work on some other things.

I was fortunate in getting this job, that used some of my past experience, I was able to save some $ and now I am looking at it more closely as to where am I going and how will I continue to work for another 15 years.

Sorry for long intro, this is what happened to me today. I called counselor that I had gone to 2 years ago who I felt was pushing me to divorce AH. I stopped going to her and sought counseling where my AH was going and tried marriage counseling with him. Anyway, long story short - I am out of denial, we have no relationship, I won't live with active alcoholism, nor will I get involved with with A that is not truly in recovery.

I am focusing on myself now and I thought the old counselor could help me with my professional stuff. Contacting her resulted in some phone tag which she seemed annoyed about and then when we finally spoke she was very intent on making sure she got the correct insurance info.

I got some real bad vibes interacting with her and I don't know why.

We made an appointment but then I told her I had to rethink this and I would get back to her. She called me back to try to resolve and I told her I was in recovery and just was having trouble with her manner. She lightened up a bit and said maybe that was something we could discuss.

I really got shook up about my reaction and I don't know why. I feel like I have gone from being isolated with AH to being in a daze and interacting with people for the last 3 years, coming out of my daze and getting used to some people. I know part of my problem at work is that I am not reaching out more to people to get some things I need done and was reaching out to this counselor and for some reason reacted to something.

Sorry this is starting to ramble but I though some of you might see something in here to relate too and hearing some of your stories might get me back in balance.

I don't know if I want to go the appointment I made. I'm not sure if I should go back to the counselor who was working with me a little more gently about trying to figure out about what to do about my marriage. I am not ready to get divorce and I want to just work on myself right now. I really don't care about the piece of paper that is my marriage.

I think I was really a mess when I was seeing that first counselor and now that I have healed I have a totally different view of her manner.

My biggest issue is the reaction I had and feeling like I had to push away from this person who did help me in the past.

Thanks again (if you kept reading!) for any ESH.