Old 12-11-2011, 01:27 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
lillamy
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You know your daughter best, and I don't think it's easy for someone who doesn't to give advice. While some things seem to be pretty universal (like the getting totally absorbed) for teenage girls, other are so individual...

I know that for me, when I was a teen, your boundary would just have made me more determined to be right and stick even closer to this guy. But I was born stubborn. A trait all my children have inherited, too. ("Karma," my Mom says...)

What worked for me with my son (but note he is a boy - people with Y-chromosomes do seem somehow more able to not completely disappear into relationships...) was to listen and ask questions. Often in the car - captive audience, and he seemed more willing to talk when I couldn't stare him in the face.

He was involved with two girls in rapid sequence who were both sad, depressed, miserable people with lots and lots of issues. He would tell me about their abusive parents and how they got sexually abused by uncles and had hereditary diseases and I would listen. And then I would ask, "so, you probably help her a lot by listening and being there for her. What is she doing for you? Can you talk to her about the stuff you're struggling with?"

I would also talk to him about my earlier relationships. About how the best ones were mutual, and with a big component of friendship; they were people I was good friends with before and after being romantically involved with. Which led to many discussions about what relationships should ideally be, and what they shouldn't.

My parents never had those talks with me because they couldn't; they were high school sweethearts and never dated anyone else, so they didn't really think to teach me about relationships. I ran into so many landlines I have plenty to share...

It had worked with my son - he's now smarter about who he gets involved with. I am worried about my girls, though...
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