Thanks all. I did apologize for lashing out. She also apologized. But we are still at the stand off on approval of the punk boyfriend. She said it was really important to her that I approve, and I finally said "actions speak louder than words...let's see if he has changed".
She is not speaking to me again!
Oh well - more to be revealed. I hope, for her sake, he has changed. But I know it is not likely and that breaks my heart.
Lots of good ideas here, thanks again all!