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Old 12-07-2011, 04:28 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
steve1840
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
wow- i really missed this place

so i guess i skipped town (the board) after this thread. i was not pushed away, i chose to step away. I hope everyone had a nice thanksgiving. mine was nice. i wish it was happening again next week. i like that better than christmas for some reason.

for those who said such kind words to me- i thank you
for those still pushing me along- i thank you

every single person on every thread i started i thank, including this one.

i finished grad school with a 3.75. yeah i am proud of that, and i am not saying that to brag because in many ways that means nothing. but the reason for me saying it is that there were two skills that enabled me to get those grades. my writing skills (which i admit i lack often here) and my objectivity. and while objectivity may have gotten me nice grades, it does not help me make decisions for ME. it hampers it. what i am getting at is that because i do not act on the years worth of advice directly, it does not mean that it does not seep in. and for the most part i remain complacent.

but maybe the subtleties are what make the difference for me. words have seeped in. they may not lead to some big direct action, but they help guide each move in small ways. i for the most part remain complacent, but i am not totally complacent.

that last part leads me to a question i have asked myself lately- am i any better off that i was last year? lo and behold, someone else asked me that too! i gave it thought..and yes, i would have to say i am at least somewhat better.

my saying i am going no contact is the same as the user saying they are stopping drugs. sometimes though they do stop the drugs. but for how long. i can stop contact, but for how long.
........................

since you asked.........
not very long. but i am ok with that. i promised myself a couple weeks ago, that i would do it if the alo didnt go to rehab. not as a threat to her, but as a promise to me. she went in the tuesday before thanksgiving. it did not bring me release or freedom. maybe some relief, but i know all that could happen. i got a few letters about how much she likes it. she has a sponsor and for the first time ever likes meetings. she says a lot of guilt is coming up and she is working on that with counselors and in group. i really did not feel any different with her being there accept as i said a little relief and some hope.

i still go to meetings, but my folks are up fora while and i got slammed with the flu, so i am just getting back into my routine.

on the 11th day- she got kicked out temporarily because of some note being passed to her. i am certain there is more to the innocence of her story. they said she could go back after 5 days. first few days she seemed ok, then she started using again. she went to go back in but did not go to enough meetings, now she has to wait until tuesday. she has a place to stay and she's making some money doing chores and stuff at a friends grandmothers' house. enough money to sustain her use- probably not for long. will she make it back? there is a chance.

me- i still wont send money and she hasn't asked. yet. but i feel ok. there i am still moving forward at my pace. i even went back to this shaolin temple i used to go to. i cannot do anything about her choices. do i want to call- part of me does, but i figure she has gotten back to where she was before she went in and that the crack is in control again. so, nothing for me to do but step aside and hope she finds her way back to the place. she seemed the love it and maybe this experience will teach her to live by the rules.

as for the shaolin stuff, i think i relate more to eastern philosophy than western psychology.
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