I am having a lot of thoughts today! I've been thinking of how I didn't like how religion was shoved down my throat as a kid. I felt I couldn't think for myself, that I wasn't accepted or love for who I was unless I was spouting some Bible verse and pretending to be some great religious person. I got very good at pretending and having a double life, I feel like the world's best actress.
My initial reluctance about AA was because it seemed/seems like some religion where you have to do everything they say or you won't be happy... it reminds me of my childhood religion that I hated. They said "take what you want and leave the rest," and that helped me, and didn't seem like some controlling kind of religion, and I have been hearing a lot of hope and strength and so I take that, and now I think it is time to just start doing the rest of it, even though honestly a lot of it doesn't make sense to me and I feel a little miffed at having to do what people say. But the funny thing is, I have been going to therapists for years, and my biggest frustration was always the fact that they wouldn't JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO. I'd present my problems and anxieties and they'd be like "Well how does that make you feel?" or "Hmmmm?" and I wanted them to give me some practical advice and some answer to get me to where I wanted to go. Now there's a program telling me they have the answer to get me there, and I don't want to listen?! I'm so darn stubborn!
It does seem to me that I can think for myself in AA and it's all about honesty and openly expressing how I feel, which is definitely different from the organized religion I was used to. But that a great deal of it involves surrending, and accepting or at least not rejecting things that sound strange to me. I think I can do it.
I have let go of my resentments towards religion and my parents in the religious regard and am open to finding my own definition of spirituality.
Thanks for listening.