rocker1

I'll start by saying I found this site by googling "How to safely relapse". Both funny and scary...

I have one year and nine months clean and sober. Alcohol is my drug of choice by far and I don't do any other drugs. I know I am an alcoholic and my drinking causes nothing but problems for me. No denial here. I have a long family history of alcoholism on both sides of my family. I got my 3rd DUI in Feb 2010 and decided I was sick of the relationship, law, work and family problems and quit drinking cold turkey.

I checked myself into a six month intensive outpatient program and went to AA for about the first 3 months of my sobriety. I had a sponsor and he was kind of helpful to talk to about how I was feeling. I quit going to AA because all of the talk about how sick and weak we all were really didn't help me. AA did help me to change my habits\routines and who I hung out with for those first really tough 3 months. There have been some tuff moments\cravings but usually I don't want to drink. Even at places where others are getting smashed or just drinking responsibly.

Fast forward a year and six months to one month ago.......... I lost my job.(first time not due to no call no show wastedness). I got a severance and have unemployment coming in. I kept busy for the first 2 weeks and landed another truly fantastic job that will start in early Jan. It is by far the best job of my life and is the most money I have ever made. I have all of this time on my hands now until I start my new position.

For the last week my mind has been fixated on drinking like never before. I keep envisioning myself drinking at home by myself and listening to music like I used to do before I quit drinking. In my mind, I play the tape all the way through from the first drink to the hangover the next morning but even then I get excited thinking about the morning drink to kill the hangover! I used to love that first morning beer, bloody mary or shot!

We had a Halloween party at my place a while ago and there are still a couple beers in the cooler that is in the woods. About a week ago I went up the hill with my dogs and opened one of the beers. I took a deeeeep smell of the beer and then told myself I would drink tomorrow if when I woke up I still felt like drinking. So I poured the beer out. I woke up the next morning and didn't want a drink anymore.

I have continued to have increasingly severe cravings and rationalizing thoughts of drinking just for this one break before I start my new job. A planned relapse of sorts. Today I got cash out of the ATM and drove to a drive through beer store that is a ways away from where I live. With much inner conflict, I circled the store at least 5 times and then finally decided to buy a case of beer. Now I have been fantasizing about cracking that first beer as soon as my fiance leaves for work tomorrow morning at 8am. I can then drink all day until she gets home.

I know this is totally craziness and I remember why I had to quit drinking. I remember all of the horrible things that happened when I was drinking. Jail, hangovers, breakups, fights, lost jobs and more but I still want to drink in the privacy of my home. I know that once I get drunk there is no telling what could happen though. I could end up walking to a bar. I have a breathalyzer in my car so I'm safe there. My family and fiance would worry sooooo much if they knew I drank. But I still want to drink.

I now realize that my will alone is not going to keep me sober. Although it has done pretty good so far, I know I should be at a meeting or on here..... I should have BEEN at a meeting or on here a while ago but for some reason I have been saying "nah I am good now" after the craving subsides.

Being on the edge of the first drink is INTENSE. I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. I know that cold frosty present is waiting for me and I'm waiting for the morning to crack that first beer! And then I'll get that first good burn in the stomach you get after drinking about 6 beers and have a tight buzz on. Wait...... but then it's all down hill from there. Then comes the family\friend confrontations, bad feelings, sleepless nights, nightmares, cold sweats, anxiety, deep depression, job and relationship instability, maybe jail time because I'm still on probation, and constant torment of another drink.....

......I am glad I wrote this super long post because I now know that I can't drink now, tonight or tomorrow morning because my life or someone else's may end as a result. Or maybe I would be ok for the first couple weeks or months or years and control my drinking and then end up drunk driving or losing my job or house or wife or child or something. How INSANE am I to even consider a drink! Or a case of drinks! Who knows where I would wake up and with who!? I usually admire my insanity but F this.

I don't believe in hiding anything ever so I would tell my family, friends and fiance that I did drink and then proceed to watch their faces fall in hurt and worry. Not worth it. Looks like I'll be dumping that case of deceitful goodness out right NOW! No need to wait until tomorrow morning. Thanks for listening to me vent and drain my infection for a bit! I'll post back tomorrow! I believe I have found a new tool here. Thanks! Have a good night\morning!