I seriously thank you all for your replies, it is so helpful, i even shed a tear or two... i feel so isolated sometimes and would wonder what was better: the recovering from hangovers or making the effort to find joy in healthier habits. I guess I was not used to a neutral state of being, I was either living HIGH highs or LOW lows, not in between. Getting drunk and sobering up the next morning gave me something to do. Not that I dont have things to do. I'm an actress and a writer.
I am looking forward to finding some activity that allows me to feel that rush, that high again. Exercising sounds perfect, and I do exercise and always have, but I would also do it to make up for my drinking binges, you know? That way I didn't feel so guilty given I was being "productive" on weekdays and then trashed thursdays to sundays. So sad.
I am very happy especially in seeing how relieved and content my mother and brother are to see me abstain from my destructive habit, and I love the calmness I feel every morning when I wake up. This weekend I almost relapse after a fight I had with my boyfriend. We went out, he is so happy and supportive that I quit drinking, yet he still does, so I make an effort to tag along and try to have just as much a good time sober with him. That night, though, he had one too many, and I lost him. He began acting drunk and foolish, like a college kid, buying shots for all our friends and what not, I just felt so alien to it all, ignored, and left. HE apologized the next morning, but I just felt so frustrated. I never noticed this behavior of his because I was always the one twice as drunk most of the time.
Anyway, so after our big fight, he left the apartment and I just kept staring at the bar in our living room. I dont really have much friends. My friends are my boyfriend's buddies, and the thought of just drinking to go join them all afterwards with a buzz on and feel part of the usual saturday debauchery routine seemed comforting.
Finding this site has been very helpful. I had been reading the posts and threads from past days and felt identified with so many stories until I finally decided to become a member yesterday. Thank you all for your replies, they really help and I dont feel so alone anymore. I write a lot too but I guess this is a new opportunity to know myself better and learn of new talents or creative ways of expressing and channeling out my energy.
I love the feeling grateful part, because there certainly are a lot of things to feel grateful for, like all of your comments, advice and support! Thank you all once again...