She thought last night she could get her son to an AA meeting today and asked me the question what did YOU do in the last few years to try to help exah get the help he needs. I told her I did everything I could do, I did ask him to stop, but the way he spoke to me when we discussed his drinking was that he just stopped me from talking and basically made me feel like it was my fault. So eventually I just stopped. I withdrew and eventually he moved out a year ago.
It is not your job to help him. Period. And for you to allow someone to drag you into a pi$$ing match on who helped whom more (which really is a pi$$ing match to determine who is to blame) creates sickness for you; is causing you to doubt yourself, which is how getting sucked into it starts. If she wants to take him to an AA meeting, that's her problem.
But, even though she doesn't get it, it started me thinking about the following: "with love all things are possible" and did I do enough.
Yes, of course it got you thinking this way, doubting yourself, thinking you should have done more, because that is what that kind of sick thinking does to us. Yes you did enough, more than enough. "With love all things are possible" is total bull$hit. GOD is love and therefore it is up to GOD to make things possible, not YOU and not ME. The man needs to get a Higher Power and let HIS Higher Power love him and make all things possible. STEP TWO: Came to believe a power higher than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I didn't think I loved him anymore, but I wanted to go over to his house last night and give him a hug and console him. I also want to smack him on the head and tell him to wake up, he is an irresponsible jerk, but to hit someone when they are down is never helping them feel better about themselves.
These are two opposite extremes. I used to think this way and discovered it is called "Black and White Thinking." What I've learned is, it dishonors someone to feel sorry for them. He is a grown man, not a baby. He does not need to be hugged or consoled by anyone. And of course he does not need to be smacked on the head, though I totally understand what you're saying.
I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life through my HP. But should I go over and talk to him and share with him how Al-Alon has helped me, that I believe in him and that I want him to get better?
I would do this only if it was for ME. I would not expect to get anything back, or even to be understood. If it makes you feel better, then do it, but don't be surprised if you are not well-received.
I was never strong enough before or had the tools/knowledge to communicate with him about his drinking. He just basically bullied me when I would try so I gave up.
I avoid bullies.
His mother doesn't understand why I need my own lawyer
His mother does not need to understand why you do anything you do. It is not her business and you do not have to justify to her or anyone else why or in what manner you are taking care of yourself.
She wants to continue communicating with me but I don't have the energy and is it my job? I just need to decide on what my boundaries are and communicate them to her. While I feel the need to help (she asked the difference between al-anon and AA and wanted to know where the next meeting was) I told her to google it for times and information.
You need ALL your energy for YOU and YOUR SON. She is a grown adult who needs to take care of herself. If she doesn't look it up, or do whatever she needs to do to feel better about this situation, that is not your responsibility. That's HERS. Good for you for telling her to Google it! I can't tell you how many times I had to shut my eyes, plug my ears, and chant, "Not my problem, Not my problem."
It's funny how I was frustrated with his family who didn't know everything, but I always felt it was not my place to tell them, like how he was arrested in July for cultivating marijuana, but should I have so they could help him?
No, it is not your job to tell them anything. You cannot manage HIS relationship with THEM, or anyone else for that matter. You have all of your OWN relationships with others to manage. I've learned that if associating with ANY person who enters my life requires me to keep secrets, or causes me to have to ASK someone else whether or not "this seems normal," is NOT HEALTHY for me and I eliminate them from my life. Because I only have enough energy for handling MY life, not theirs too. And all those kind of people do is MAKE ME SICK (literally).
I mean really, if family shows they care about him, might that help in his recovery?
No. In fact, it's been my personal experience that it was not until my ENTIRE family stopped "showing we cared about him" that he finally got clean and sober.
I need to read more to help me understand, anyone have any suggestions on books?
Beattie, "Codependent No More"
Al-Anon short "Just for Today" (EVERY day) until you can recite it in your sleep
Abraham Twerski, "Addictive Thinking"
Harville Hendrix