So since my exAH was arrested Friday night with a DUI and a 14 year old boy who is a friend of my son's in the car who he was taking home, I have spoken to exAH mother on the phone. She is in denial but coming out of it. She thought last night she could get her son to an AA meeting today and asked me the question what did YOU do in the last few years to try to help exah get the help he needs. I told her I did everything I could do, I did ask him to stop, but the way he spoke to me when we discussed his drinking was that he just stopped me from talking and basically made me feel like it was my fault. So eventually I just stopped. I withdrew and eventually he moved out a year ago.
But, even though she doesn't get it, it started me thinking about the following: "with love all things are possible" and did I do enough. Of course I know intellectually that he needs to reach his bottom point and decide himself and that anything I say or do will not have an effect. I didn't think I loved him anymore, but I wanted to go over to his house last night and give him a hug and console him. I also want to smack him on the head and tell him to wake up, he is an irresponsible jerk, but to hit someone when they are down is never helping them feel better about themselves. I just finished teaching a unit on Alcoholism to my 7th and 8th grade class and we have had many discussions. I tell them how an addict does not have the tools to deal with life's problems and has difficulty with emotional issues so they realize it is not their fault if someone they love drinks to excess.
I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life through my HP. But should I go over and talk to him and share with him how Al-Alon has helped me, that I believe in him and that I want him to get better? I was never strong enough before or had the tools/knowledge to communicate with him about his drinking. He just basically bullied me when I would try so I gave up.
His mother doesn't understand why I need my own lawyer (we just started finalizing our marriage and exAh wanted me to use his family lawyer so we could share the costs and I said no way) and she was questioning me on what my plans were regarding our son and parenting and I just told her "it is in God's hands now" but I will protect my son because that is my job as his mother. She said exAH has a lot on his shoulders and she is worried about him, I said I have a lot on my shoulders too, but I didn't drink and drive with a 14year old in my car. While the conversation got me all worked up, now I am only feeling compassion. She wants to continue communicating with me but I don't have the energy and is it my job? I just need to decide on what my boundaries are and communicate them to her. While I feel the need to help (she asked the difference between al-anon and AA and wanted to know where the next meeting was) I told her to google it for times and information.
It's funny how I was frustrated with his family who didn't know everything, but I always felt it was not my place to tell them, like how he was arrested in July for cultivating marijuana, but should I have so they could help him? I mean really, if family shows they care about him, might that help in his recovery? I know, probably not. I need to read more to help me understand, anyone have any suggestions on books?
