theblackkettle

Today I am mourning the loss of my wife and best friend. I don't and can't understand why she has chosen to leave me but I have come to realize that I am powerless in changing this. I have watched her struggle unfold and intensify over the years and despite my best efforts have not been able to change the path that she has chosen. I have taken it on as a full time job to find a way to make her happy and have come out an utter failure.

On feelings-
I feel unloved
How can someone continuously choose to hurt the person they are supposed to love and support in exactly the same way time and time again?
I feel betrayed
Despite being told that she is sorry and that it won't happen again, it does and with increasing intensity and regularity.
I feel completely hopeless
Admittedly imperfect, I have tried desperately to support and nurture her in the best way that I know how. Nothing is working.
I feel sadness in a way that is beyond anything I've ever experienced
Worse than someone dying because she is CHOOSING to love her problems more than she loves me. I understand that this is a disease but I also understand that she has made no effort to manage her problem or seek serious help despite my nearly begging her to do so for a long time.
I feel like a failure
In retrospect, I realize that I am complicit in her sickness. I have enabled this far beyond what is healthy by always being there to pick up the pieces, always asking her not to leave me, always apologizing for getting upset at her treating our relationship with such blatant disrespect.
I feel disrespected
Her actions have put everything that we've worked so hard for over the years in serious jeopardy.

I'm going to miss the good times. My life has been better with her than it was without her and I'm afraid of what will happen when I am alone but I understand that she will not get better with me here, I am an enabler and I need to remove myself from the picture and allow her to hit the bottom in hopes that she will find a footing there to begin climbing back out of the place she is now in. I hope with everything that I am that she will choose her own happiness over a life of pain for herself and those around her. That is exactly what I'm trying to do for myself here.

Things that I'll miss (an extremely incomplete list)-
The quiet comfort of her presence
Laughing at ourselves being goofy
Her appreciation of the subtle beauty of life
The fun of having some cash and not really giving a crap that we did because we were so used to not having any
Dorking out on movies and shows while eating the worlds best popcorn
The many times that I felt loved
Beans & greens and other foods that we either concocted or enjoyed together
Coffee o clock
Her unparalleled lack of material wants and needs, it was inspirational
The fun of making cool decor choices for the house together and watching them materialize. I'm sad to not see the final outcome of this collaboration
Trips-NYC, Europe, Maine, Wyoming, CA, FL, the North Country, Vermont, Niagara Falls, Rhode Island coast, New Mexico and all of the ones we haven't done
Being able to feel like it was ok just to be my imperfect and odd self
Knowing that I was married to the sweetest girl I've ever known and knowing that everyone else who knew her knew it as well
Waking up next to the person that I thought would be there on my last day and being happy every morning because of it

The things that I won't miss (unfortunately also incomplete)-
Coming home to realize that she's been drinking alone again even though she's trying her best to hide it (though I didn't always call it out, I knew)
The embarrassment of her being hammered and sloppy in front of our friends and everyone else for that matter
Her being resentful towards me when drunk, every time
The fear that she'd hurt herself or someone else because when she drinks she makes some of the most idiotic decisions I've ever seen anyone make
The smell of a drunk. Such an odd thing. It's not the same as the smell of someone that has been drinking. It's distinctive and repulsive to me.
Being afraid that something was wrong with her because she binge drinks so hard that she loses coherence and takes on similar qualities to that of someone that has had a stroke
The many times (if not every) that she was drinking and that I felt unloved
The thought that if I didn't make it ok she wouldn't really care if we stayed together or not (which I have lived with for years now)

There are no words to accurately describe the emotional anguish that this causes me. While I'm making the decision to formally end our relationship, informally it's been dying for quite a while and has little to no life left at this point. I am unwilling to continue down the road of destruction and emotional ruin that has been set in motion. The recurring feeling of loss every time she falls is just too much for me to handle and I have no strength left to put towards this, I'm tired and the feelings of dejection and failure are consuming me. She has never, after one of her episodes, asked me not to leave. She rarely feels any need to apologize or address what may have happened and chooses to wait for me to do so, which I do because I am weak and don't want to be left alone. The current situation is unhealthy for all involved, we are both to blame for it getting to this point but that is not a good reason to allow it to continue.

The bottom line is that my wife and best friend no longer live in her body. This letter is to the person that does, if you see my best friend please tell her that I loved her with everything that I am and am morbidly heartbroken by the sad reality that we are in. I did not want this but I can't continue to entertain my empty threats of ending this. You've made your choice and I finally have made mine.