my natural instinct is to let that comment just roll. but after some thought i am going to reply to it.
i have been here for about 1 1/2 years since this situation took off. and i was here a year before with the first signs of trouble. i am the first to admit that i hung on to my alo tightly and have been one of the difficult cases to crack. at times, i would ask the same things over and over. at times i frustrated people. at times i got bashed. those times i understood why. it made me see that i was missing something.
this is a place of healing. there are names that have been here long before i joined and others who are new regulars. people come. people go. the forum remains for those who need it. i have remained here as i need it and those who take the time to reply i have often thanked. i have often acknowledged that i am aware of being stuck. i have never lashed out saying anyone else was wrong. some people find out there loved on is an addict and they do their thing. others take longer. as far as i know it has taken some people years and years. its not a contest and there are no points for how quickly and cleanly someone does it. the point is though that they try.
so i see my own progress and my own relapses. i believe i have gotten better at some situations and at other times its like nothing changed. the past couple weeks i have shared me hitting my bottom. i hit hard. i have been to 4 meetings a week for 4 weeks. for months and months and months i knew what i would have to face one day. i prolonged making it happen always hoping that my alo would make the change. but after the jail incident i knew it may not happen and that i had to make a change and soon. so i got to that place. as every addict does, i have talked but not acted. i have quacked. but i got to the beginning of that place. i have tried to focus on me. i have tried to be more aware. i have tried to detach. and i have tried to post about positive change. i have also posted about the negative too.
so i guess i am befuddled at the response to this thread. of all the things to comment on, the one that is construed as a negative thing is the only one highlighted. instead of finding a positive thing somewhere in that thread, i am called out on what i was called out on.
now maybe that is someones perception that is was pulled in quickly and knowingly. i accept that. but instead of a bold expletive, perhaps it could have been expressed differently. perhaps what is truth to one is not the truth to another. perhaps to me, i felt that i had a bit of space in between and was not running to the phone, returning calls, getting instantly crazy. perhaps to me, it felt more like i would finally take a call and feel ok about it, but then maybe a couple days later start to feel something. and next thing I noticed was that i was right back in. so to me the build up to that last ride felt slow and i was unaware i was going for the ride.
so will reply to my own thread and say- steve it is good to finally see you get a bit of time with no contact. i hope you can build on that. you know, maybe you never really left the ride so there was no slow return, but the important thing is that you are seeing the ride and understanding that YOU CAN GET OFF. it is good to hear that you are trying to focus on yourself and get your ^*&$ together. You need to do it, you've been hanging on waiting for too long. good luck. just be prepared for if she calls.
maybe i just like dialog and the exchange of thoughts and ideas.