Pigtails

Yes I have read a lot on the forums about being independent in sobriety and not counting on/expecting other people to support me or change for me etc. I had a hard time with that at first, I guess I have co-dependency issues, but I finally got it in my head that this is about me, because when it was about other people, I always failed. I have to live according to my own standards and goals no matter what anyone else does.

That being said, I do still harbor hope that my boyfriend will want to give up drinking too. He has made some declarations and attempts at cutting back or controlling it, etc., which have given me hope, but then he doesn't always follow through, which I undertand because in the past I have been the same way. However it seems, like you say, that he gets worse as I get better. Which in a strange way kind of helps me, in that I see what I don't want for myself. The last time I relapsed started at Halloween when I thought I could just go have a fun night out for a special occasion. Nothing bad really happened to me but the next day he stayed drunk all day. He was like a little kid I had to take care of and it rather disgusted me, like, I hope I am never again in this state, and I hope he never is, either. Then the following weekend we were at a work event and we both said we needed a couple drinks to loosen up (he was just meeting my co-workers/bosses for the first time... and I gave myself permission to keep drinking since I had already blown it the previous weekend!), and that turned into going to a dance club with a co-worker who wanted to go out... again nothing bad happened to me but he was still drunk all the next day, in his child-like and very obnoxious, has-to-be-taken-care of state. That really strengthened my resolve to stop drinking even on "special occassions" or when I had an "excuse." I kept wondering how he could be so much drunker so much longer than I was, and then his brother helped me figure out that he was sneaking drinks from the kitchen, even in his falling-down state somehow, and he had drunk the rest of the whole bottle of vodka that next day.

It just disgusted me and I felt like I was making attempts at sobriety and he was going in the reverse direction. I told him that the next time he did that I was going to drop him off with his brother because my whole next day was spent babysitting him and it's no fun for me and brings me down. I also told him that he needs to fix his problem because that is no way for a grown, responsible man to act and he tells me he wants us to get married and have kids etc. So maybe he feels so much pressure from me. He didn't drink for awhile after that but now he is back at it again and he always acts hesitant like he thinks I will be mad at him. I know that what he chooses to do is his decision and at least he isn't getting falling-down drunk but I wonder if that's only because he thinks I'm watching him and ready to criticize him.

I really think his depression would get better if he stopped drinking. He has given up pot, by necessity because of his DWI and the possibility of probation or checks to see if he is following the terms of his bond release without bail, but he's been very resolute about it and I am proud of him. I think, and he agrees, that it has made his dependence on alcohol a lot stronger, because pot was his drug of choice and he pretty much lived a stoned life for like, ten years or so (he also had an addiciton to painkillers after a bad acccident, which he kicked on his own, so he feels he can control alcohol on his own, without AA etc.)

The whole reason I got serious about getting sober was that he got the DUI and I feel it easily could/should have been me. So I am trying to examine my dependence on him and not have my sobriety be determined by what he does or doesn't do. Like you said, I feel that as I improve my life, he sinks further into depression because he feels like a failure. I have admitted that I am powerless and can't do this on my own and I think that helps me so much, whereas he still think he can/should control it and that he doesn't want/need anyone else's help, except for mine and I don't think that's healthy, nor does it seem to really help anyway.

I am glad someone else can relate. Maybe there is no answer. I hope and "pray" (not religious but trying to find my higher power ) that he will change but I also know that my recovery and sobriety cannot depend on it. I only have myself to rely on, and my higher power, and that is what I try to tell him about himself, but I don't think he grasps it yet.