Last night I went over to my boyfriend's after my AA meeting and he was drunk! He said since he doesn't have to work today (we are traveling to another city to meet up with my sister for Thanksgiving), he thought he would have a drink, and that when we get back from the holiday vacation he will start getting serious about eating better, working out, and not drinking. He said he planned not to drink again until my birthday in December, and then he said "Wait, you don't want to drink on your birthday, right?" and I said "right" and he said "Okay then I won't drink until I meet your dad over Christmas and he offers me a beer." Then he said "Actually, I take that back, because I hate flying, and have to get drunk to fly."
I was feeling good after my AA meeting but slightly annoyed that he was drunk, but I tried not to let it bother me. I mentioned, which I probably shouldn't have but I was just thinking out loud, that that's why I can't drink on special occassions, because soon everything (having off work tomorrow, meeting his parents, flying) becomes classified as a "special" occassion, or reason I need to drink. He was like, "Are you saying I shouldn't do that?" and I clarified that no, I was just thinking about myself, because I had told him a few days ago that I was wishing/sometimes thinking I could drink only on special occassions, but I know myself and I would always find reasons to have a special occassion.
Then when we were in bed he got into a really dark, negative mood. I've noticed this happens when he feels down about himself, and I think I accidentally cause it by not approving of his drinking. I think he feels like he let me/himself down and then he just gets totally down on himself. He started talking about how he had messed up and wasted the last 10 years of his life, that it was too late to be anything besides "X" career, and he's not even sure if he could be that. I guess he is afraid of failure and so he stays stuck. I tried to give him tips about changing his thinking and being more positive, and believing in/loving himself, but for quite awhile he kept throwing back excuses or "I just can't think like that." I finally said "I just don't know what to say to help you. I always try to help you get past this but I guess if you can't, you can't." What had annoyed me is that he was making comments like, "What is left for me now? I'm just going to be a good
father?" and also saying that he wouldn't want to have kids if we don't make a lot of money... which is really strange because right now he makes very little money and hasn't ever cared about making money. I just don't understand him when he gets like that. He is so all or nothing that he starts to think that because he's not great at everything, or if he can't be some awesome, famous person, he doesn't want to be anything at all, or even try. (He was saying almost exactly these words last night.)
I think I need to just step back and create a bit more distance because I love him and want to help him but I am also dealing with so many of my own issues and emotions that I can only handle so much. If he can't even try to think positively, then I'm not sure how I can help him. By the end of the night (we were up very late talking), he asked me genuinely how he could change his thinking, and I said he just has to practice doing it. To catch himself thinking negatively about himself/his life and then do whatever it takes to turn it around and think positively instead, and to wake up every morning and say "I believe in myself and I'm going to make this a great day." He finally said "I will try." I hope that's a good start. I have recommended counseling and he says he will go but he has no insurance. He says he will apply for state aid or for insurance through his university which he says is crappy, but, it's something. I think he could really benefit from therapy-- I know I have.
I can relate to him so much and feel that in many ways we are the same. That's what works so great about us. But on the other hand I feel that when I try to improve my life, he gets more down about his, and I wish he could try to do what I'm trying to do. I think he has suffered more of a rough childhood than I did and I know he hasn't had the benefit of the years of therapy that I had (and I am finally just starting to try to make everything click and really work honestly on things for myself. I know it is a process and that realizing he has these issues and wanting to change things is a big start).
I guess I just need to vent and to ask for practical tips. Do I avoid him when he's drinking? Last night I just read my recovery book while he and his brother watched TV, and then we went to bed, and things were fine until he got so down on himself and negative. I know I can't "fix" him but I also hurt when he hurts and would like to do something to help, but I don't know what that is. Maybe I am naive to think we will both work out our issues independently and stay close as a couple.
But I do see him wanting to work on his issues and just not knowing how. That gives me hope. And I realize that I need to focus on myself and my own recovery no matter what he does or doesn't do. I am just trying to find a balance between supporting him but also not letting it drag me down. It is hard for me to hear him talk so badly about himself, and about the future which usually, when he isn't totally down on himself, includes me/us.