Didn't work.
Hey,
Back in Early October about a month ago, I posted a blog on this about how I would, on Friday and Saturday nights, sneak a twelve pack of beer past my parents in to my room and get drunk while playing on the computer. It's a habit that I have been trying to break for a year. You can read this blog entitles "I am done with this crap" by Colt you can search for it....(they don't let me post a link) . I tried moderation...didn't work.
That's kind of been the insanity that I have been dealing with. I thought I could try moderation and that I'd be fine. Nope, no such luck. This issue is clearly more than just a breakable habit.
I thought I could delete my account here, not get any support and tell myself that I could drink moderately. It certainly seemed like a possibility, especially since I never held myself accountable like that before. I failed the test. I didn't really want to drink moderately...I wanted to get drunk.
My dad used to have the same problem. When he drank, there was no such thing as just one. He quit twenty some years ago. Same thing with me. One drink leaves me feeling teased. Even 5 drinks leave me feeling teased. On a typical binge, I'd down an entire twelve pack and a twelve pack was about enough to make me happy. To have anything under seven or eight drinks feels like about the equivalent of starting to have sex and then having to stop right before orgasm...pleasurable yes, but very frustrating.
I need to get out of this. I can easily go a month of no drinking. I've done that before. I need to figure out a way to shut down or quiet or beat out that part of my brain that says "what about parties" "what about trying that nice-tasting liquor that you've never had before" "what about having a drink on New Year's" "you used to smoke only while you drank...get drunk and don't smoke and you could further break the association" "what about that study that says moderate drinkers outlive abstainers." It goes on and on and on.
Even now I can't quite fathom the idea of never having a drink for the rest of my life. But then again, there are numerous people who don't drink, about 33% of the population in fact, so being a non-drinker is quite common and easy to do. I do know that at the very least, I need to go completely abstinent for a very very long time...at least 100 days. I probably just need to quit forever...but I can't quite wrap my mind around "forever" at this point.
I am VERY good at willpower, which is good, but I know that it is not enough. What do I do when Friday night rolls around or some special even rolls around and my mind says that it is okay to drink? Right now, "sober/sane me" is in control, so what can I do to keep crazy me at bay?
Just a quick note...no AA for me. I have read plenty about AA and I do not like them.
But any suggestions as to how I can make myself stay in control and how I can reduce cravings for alcohol when they come around...that would be much appreciated.