You asked what issues followed someone else after they left their AH.
I can tell you what issues are following me. Not implying they're following everyone.
- After I left (no meat cleaver here, "just" a knife), every time I heard his voice, got an e-mail from him, saw him on the street, or even saw his name on a piece of paper, I had flashbacks to that night and anxiety attacks.
- I have trust issues and self-esteem issues. I've met a wonderful man who is incredibly nice, observant, sensitive, and loving, and faithful to a fault. And who has had a beer twice in the year we've been dating, and once a glass of champagne. I still ask myself "What does he see in me? What does he want from me? Is he just trying to get me to support him? Is he just waiting for me to give him access to my bank accounts? How do I know that he's not going to prove to be a mentally ill alcoholic?"
- I expect my new man to react like AH in many situations, even though they're nothing alike.
- 18 months after leaving AH, I still have nightmares about him almost every night.
- I tend to isolate myself from other people and avoid getting close to people because I don't trust them.
- I have a hard time drawing and keeping boundaries. I have a hard time saying "No" to people. I absorb whatever feeling is dominating a room -- I can't let someone else just be angry without feeling that maybe it's my fault and maybe it's my responsibility to fix it. Or sad.
- I'm terrified of conflict and I have a hard time sticking to my opinion and sticking up for myself.
Those are just some of the things that marriage left me with. None of those things were issues for me prior to that marriage.
I completely understand the resistance to going to Al-Anon. For me, it wasn't about religion (I never thought Al-Anon was religious); for me it was that I resented being told that there was something wrong with ME when he was the one with the drinking problem.
My going to Al-Anon did absolutely zilch for his drinking problem. But it helped me grow stronger, and is still helping me deal with those issues step by step. The improvement I've seen is huge, I've made tremendous strides, but I'm not done or recovered.
I tend to see Al-Anon more in the tradition of Native culture than anything else: The way I see it, it's really about the healing properties of stories and storytelling. I've healed from seeing my own situation retold in other people's stories. I've realized I'm not alone. I've realized people have dealt with situations so similar to mine they're almost interchangeable, and that has given me hope and strength.
I hope you give it a chance. 